


Lost On you

by Lover_blue



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, F/F, Past Drug Addiction, Post-Prison, References to Drugs, Slow Burn, lovers to strangers, no one is straight, pretty gay, yeah too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-07-06 06:21:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15880320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lover_blue/pseuds/Lover_blue
Summary: 9 years later;Carmilla was a troubled teen who was dealing with too many things, Laura was everything she wasn't and everything she needed. They fell in love almost immediately.But it wasn't the typical teenage love story it was more than just that. And the ending was not only heartbreaking it was also pretty tragic.ORAu where carmilla belongs to a gang but changes when she falls in love with Laura but she still ends up going to prison.five years later she's out and she keeps on wondering why her first love never went to see her.





	1. Too fast for freedom

**Author's Note:**

> Some stuff you need to now:  
> -It starts when Carmilla leaves the prison  
> -Laf and kirsh were the only people who went to see her when she was in prison.  
> ______  
> My native language is not english so there's probably some mistakes.  
> And yeah the title is because of the song lost on you by LP.

_"… Too fast for freedom_

_Sometimes it all falls down_

_These chains never leave me_

_I keep dragging them around…"_

 

She's been walking for an hour now but it didn't bother her at all because feeling the sun in her face and being able to walk freely was something she's been dreaming about for a long time, in this moment everything was possible. She saw a park not too far from there, she decided to go to maybe lay on the grass for a while.

.......

She was just lying there watching into sky full of clouds, it was beautiful. Maybe all people should go through a period of solitude for a while to really apreciate the simple little things, she thought. Now she was thinking about going to see laf first, they were going to get crazy when they'd find out that Carm got early release it wasn't that early though, it was just a month earlier but, still they were going to be so happy. Suddenly she felt so anxious about see them again, she knew she owed them an explanation, she knew she really had betray their trust back then and that they've been avoiding this conversation because they didn't want to make things harder for carmilla, I mean she was in prison after all. It was going to be a really big talk.

______________________

**FLASHBACK**

So they had met in foster care. Laf was adopted and Carm wasn't, but that didn't stop their friendship from growing. Laf's family ended up being really loving and caring and Carm ended up running away from the group home and started to live on the streets and in order to survive she joined a gang but She kept visiting Laf from time to time.

The day carmilla appeared in their home at 3 am with blood in her hands, everything change. Someone from another gang attacked her friend  _kirsh_ and he could've died but Carmilla saved him. In that moment she realized that she didn't want to live that life for the rest of her days.so after that She finally decided to accept Laf's help, their family accepted carmilla in their home, the rules were simple she would stay out of the streets and she would finish high school with laf. She became popular almost immediatly, everyone knew who she was and what she's been doing to survive. Apparently being a former dealer makes you popular somehow, but she really didn't care about any of that, she just wanted to focus on finishing high school and for her surprise she was doing a great job at it, her grades were as good as her sarcasm.

On day she saw a girl reading her favorite book, she only saw the book at first but then she saw the girl who was reading it and GOD she was the most beautiful girl she had ever seen. Carmilla felt this crazy need to go and talk to her immediatly and without thinking twice she just went.

_-Hi.- The girl looked up and their eyes locked._

_-Hey.- She smiled. Now carm was smiling too._

_-You really do have a great taste in books-._

_-Thanks.. stranger..- they were still looking at each other._

_-OH of course, sorry... I'm carmilla and you are..-_

_-I'm laura, I'm new here.-_

And that was the beggining, they started to hang out more and more until one day they shared their first kiss in Laura's room. By that time Laura knew all about Carmilla's past but she didn't care because in her heart she knew Carm was different but Laura's dad saw them kissing once and everything went to hell. _"I CAN ACCEPT YOU BEING GAY BUT I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS... CRIMINAL"_ . Things were pretty bad after that and he finally made her choose, between her home and her girlfriend he thought she was obviously choose her home... But he was wrong.

An hour later Laura was standing outside Laf's house with a bag in her hands. Carmilla knew she couldn't ask Laf's family for more, they were already giving her a room so she decided to get her own place with Laura, it wouldn't be that hard right? they were in love after all. Laf insisited, they wanted them to stay but it was too much to ask.

They found a tiny apartment it wasn't in a nice neighbourhood but at least the rent was cheap. At first it was easy, Carm got job while Laura was finishing high school. Then things got more complicated than that because Laura wanted to go collegue but she didn't have the money to go and ask her father for money was not an option because he was still mad at her, he didn't even go to her graduation. So after a while Laura decided to just get a job to help carm with the bills but the girl really wanted to make Laura happy so she got another job to make some extra money so that laura could go to college but truth is, it was impossible to make that big amount of money, so in a desperate attempt Carm went back to her old habbits, she joined the gang _again._ The game was the same it hadn't changed, she would sell drugs and they'd split the money but this time was different for Carmilla because she knew what she was doing was bad but she really didn't know any other way, she knew she would disappoint too many people now, Laf, Laf's family,  _Laura._ Everythings was so much harder one day she did what she swear not to ever do. She started using, it felt so good at first, just at first.   

Laura didn't notice for a few weeks but then it got too obvious, one day she found out that her girlfriend got fired from her job so she waited carmilla to come home but it was getting late and her anger was growing and growing.

_-it's 4 am, where the hell have you been carmilla.- Laura was sitting on the edge of the bed._

_-I .. I was working- Carmilla was too high to make a better excuse._

_Laura turned to see her girlfriend and she couldn't believe her eyes, the others girl's eyes were barely open and she had a gun?!! in her hands_

_-That's why you being acting so strange lately, I thought you were just tired, that's why you wouldn't let me help you with the bills, you... you- she started to cry._

_carmilla took a step closer but laura took a step back. -Don't.. don't you touch explain to me what the fuck you were thinking because I left everything for you EVERYTHING and I thought we would make it work because we love each other because I  love you_

_-I wanted to make you happy- her voice was varely a whisper_

_-what?_

_-I wanted to make you happy, I wanted you to go to college because that's what you want isn't? and I didn't know how .... I just don't know any other way.. I know I'm fucked, I'm sorry.- she sat on the bed threw  the gun across the room and started to cry. laura sat next to her and hold her hand._

_-I want a life with you that's it, I don't care about college I just...- Laura was now holding carmilla in her arms._

_-I don't know what to do, the only thing I know it's that I love you.- carmilla looked up and saw laura in the eyes. and continued. -_ _We can make it work I know we can, I swear I'll leave all this shit behind.-_

_-I want to believe in you I really do, you have to promise me that you'll never go back to that life.-_

_-I do promise you that and I promise that I'll never lie to you again.-_

they fell asleep after a long conversation. They slept holding each other that night. In the morning carmilla left her a note  _" I went to get us some breakfast, wait for me. love you forever xx"_ Carmilla never went back, Laura never saw the note. 

__________________________

After remembering all of that carmilla felt a bit strange. But whatever right? it was part of the past now she have a future to look up to. She decided to go to kirsh's first because she could go and change into some decent clothes.

..................

And there it was that old building where Kirsh was living, it was better than the streets of course and he was doing great now. Carmilla was so proud of him. she knocked at the door.

_OH MY GOOOOOOOOD.- Kirsh said hugging her.

-Okaaaay stop, yes I'm here.-

-Come in come in, what happened??? I thought you were going out next month.-

-I got early release.- they were now inside the house. 

-sit I'll make you some tea? a coffee? what do people drink when they get out of prison? ooooh vodka?.- 

-I don't drink anymore so a coffee.- carmilla said, smiling.

................

They were both sitting in the couch talking about everything. 

-can I use your shower?.-

-of course, Actually I have some of your old clothes.-

-YES that's what I need it thank you so much.-

-Don't worry it's just a shower.-

-Believe me it's a big deal because I haven't been able to be in a bathroom by myself in a long time, I don't even know what privacy is.- they both laugh.

She was looking at the mirror and god she had changed so much it was crazy, she seems colder? her clothes still fits but it felt like it wasn't hers anymore she definitely is not the same person.

........................ 

Now carmilla was going to see Laf, she was nervous but at least kirsh was going with her.   

-Don't be scared she's been missing you like crazy, you are her sister.-

-I know but I don't know what to say.-

-Hey we all make fucked up choices but that choices don't define who we are.-

.....

-Okay here it is.-

-Nice house, I mean I know she had move out but this is woah.-

-Yeah, it's pretty nice are ready?.-

-Not really.- And without listening kirsh knocked at the door.

-I hate you.- 

-you love me.-  He said with a smile.

Laf opened the door and they couldn't believe it. 

-OH OH OHHHH how how.- Laf said smiling and crying 

-I got early release, no don't cry... please.- they hug

-These are happy tears.-

...................

They were sitting at the table discussing about Carmilla's plans for the future. So first she needed a job, carmilla started complaining because; "who would hire an ex con" but then kirsh said he had a friend who owns a bar and he really needed some help. Second was to finish high school. Then Kirsh left because he needed to "talk" to his "friend" Will about carmilla's job.

-Okay so now I'm gonna go to talk to him about the you know... job.-

-Yeah sure, go to get laid with my future boss.- 

-What? he's not my... well it happened once alright, just once.-

-bullshit.- Laf said. 

....

Now there was only the two of them.

-I owe you an apology.-

-For what?.-

-For everything I mean, you trusted me and I failed you. You let me live in your house and...-

-Stop.. look I've thinking about this moment for a long time and you know? the past is gone, we can't change what happened, the only thing we can do is to try to be someone better, that's the only thing that matters at the end. Life has not been easy for you but here you are again, ready to start again so let it I go. You know, there's a difference between learning from your past and letting it rule you.-

-I've missed your advices, you know?.-

-And I've missed my sister, hey and by the way you're going to live in here with me okay?-

-No, Laf I can't accept that, don't worry.-

-Hey you are my sister okay and I want to help you until you get back on your feet.-

-Okay... Thanks this will be amazing.- 

-Yep, we are back.-

-Hey... I think I'll regret saying this but... have you heard about Laura?.-

-I knew you would ask about her sooner or later, I knew it.-

-Okay okay I know I've been avoiding the all "Laura situation" talk for five years..... but have you?.-

-heard about her? I don't know carm.-

-Come on it's a small town how can you not know anything.-

-Okay, alright.... but you're completely over her, right?.-

-Yeah of course, she's the past.-

-okay because I don't want you to be sad and broody about her.-

-Why would I be sad?-

-Because...she's getting married._

 


	2. Forget Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla is gonna love her new job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think these first two chapters are like an introduction.  
> -Also something happened to Carm in prison and perry is helping her go through it (Yes, she's a psychologist).  
> -I'll be writing about what happened in the future.

 

_"Don't fool yourself,_  
_She was heartache from the moment that you met her._  
_My heart is frozen still_  
_As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow._  
_She's somewhere out there now."_

 

 

-What?.- _She didn't see that coming._  

-Laura's getting married....I'm sorry.. see, that's why I didn't wanna tell you.-  Said laf.

-What?... I'm fine.- _She lied_ , actually her face was turning red. an angry kind of red.

-Yeah, sure.. tell that to your face then.- 

-This is my "I don't give a shit" face.-  Carmilla said sarcastically

-Sure, if you say so.- Laf said, unconvinced.

-So who is it?.- Carmilla asked.

-Who is what?.- Laf knew but they didn't want to say it. 

-Who is laura's future spouse... bride or whatever.- Carmilla said with annoyance in her voice.

-Man why? why did I tell you?.... you're really going to lose your shit now.- Laf said a bit worried.

-Why she's straight now?.- They both laugh at how ridiculous that was.

-Fuck No, that would be hilarious tho. Remember Danny The tall redhead from the soccer team?.-

-You're kidding me, right. You know how many times she called me ridiculous for being jealous of that walking statue?!?! and now she's getting married with that same asshole. But Xena's parents are rich so his father must be thrilled.- 

-Don't torture yourself, Laura was a long time ago, she's past you said it yourself.-

-She is, she's past I'm totally over her but... Why why her? from all the people in the planet. Maybe she never really wanted me, maybe I was just a fucking experiment to her. I mean otherwise why she would it want to be with a homeless piece of shit like I was. Maybe she wanted danny the whole time, SHE FUCKING USED ME.-  _where did that come from. She knew Laura wasn't like that but she was angry. She needed to say something stupid._

-OKAAAY, Calm down don't be so hard on your old self or whatever and laura would never do that and you know it. What you guys lived was real and it was intense I mean you could even write a fucking novel about it. Plus she was devastated, she was a mess after you left her.-

-Left her?.- Carmilla said confused.

-Yeah, the night after you got caught?.-

-I didn't left her, she told you that?.- She was even more confused. 

-Yeah, like I said she was a mess and we talked a couple of times.-

-why didn't you tell me you were talking with her?.- 

-Carm it was like four years ago, and honestly since you were the one who left her I thought you didn't really wanted to talk with her nor about her.- Laf admitted.

-I didn't left her. Well I left to get us some breakfast... God I can't believe I never told you about this. You thought that I just went crazy so I decided to become a dealer again?.-

-And a junkie, let's not forget about that one. And, yes kind of and I didn't want to make things harder for you, you went through a lot in there too.-

-Yeah well, prison it's not easy for anyone. But I didn't left her Laf.-

-Okay, why don't you explain to me what happened then.-

_________________________________________________________________________________

**Flashback**

 

Carmilla woke up first, she kissed Laura's forehead and went to the bathroom after washing her face, she wrote a note and left it on their nightstand. Her phone started buzzing and she saw like 10 missed calls and then a car appeared with three people in it. She knew them.

_-Where the fuck have you been?, we've been calling you all night, it's time to work.-_

_-I can't go today.- She was scared._

_-I'm not asking you, you're going with us. You owe us, remember?. We gave you what you wanted and now it's your turn, We need you brain, you're good with numbers. We are gonna close a big ass deal today and if it works we are gonna be fucking rich, baby!!!_

_The man took carmilla by the arm dragging her into the car. She thought of laura. They pulled over close to an abandoned building, there were eight people inside next to a truck full of smack and when she saw them, she knew they were fucked because those people were not part of some gang._

_-Holy shit, jack turn around.-_

_-What why?.-_

_-It's the drugs or you guys just born stupid, these people are not here to make a deal, look at them. Have You seen them before?_

_-Shit you're right.-_

_The car turned around but it was too late all the exits were already blocked. And yes, carmilla was right they were actually cops_.

_____________________________________________________________

-Fuck that was intense.... but I think she never saw the note.- 

-You think?.- Carm said it with an "are you kidding me face".-But it doesn't really matter now. Hey By the way where i'll sleeping?.-

-Oh, upstairs. there's a guest room next to mine.-

-Thanks, Laf. what would I do without you?.-

-You would Probably be sleeping in kirsh's creepy apartment.- They both laughed.

-You look exhausted why don't we call it for tonight, it's pretty late.-

-Yeah, you're right, hey I'll probably have a visit this week from a counselor I met in prison.-

-Oh okay, there's something I should know?.-

-No, it's nothing bad, it's just she helped me a lot and I agreed to continue the therapy in the outside.-

-I'm happy to hear that, you are finally being open about all the shit you went through. You're not sleeping with her are you?.-  Laf joked.

-GOD NO!!!! she's my counselor and she's not even my type, too ginger for me. She reminds me of you actually. Not physically but because she inspired me trust from the start like she really wanted to help. Her name it's Perry well her name it's Lola but everyone call her perry.-

-Okay, so we will be waiting her here this week, now you should really get some rest because maybe kirsh really got you that job.-

-Yeah sure, okay good night. and laf.-

-What?.-

-I missed you.-

-Me too, sis.- _They both smiled._

..........

Carm was staring at the ceiling, her mind was full of thoughts, her heart full of feelings and her soul was tired. She could feel it, she needed to heal and process all the things she's been through. She didn't tell Laf the whole truth, she was in therapy not only because of things related to her past. She was going because something happened in prison but she wasn't ready to share it with them just yet. Upon all of that she was thinking about Laura too.

Of course, she was always there. will she always be there? it felt like laura was always hiding inside her soul.

Next morning she woke up to the sounds of Laf's favorite band "The Cranberries".

_"Oh my life is changing everyday_  
In every possible way  
And oh my dreams  
It's never quite as it seems  
Never quite as it seems"

She have always loved that song. 

-Carm breakfast's ready, and Kirsh called.-

-Okay I'll be there in a minute.-

.........

-WOah, Smells delicious.-

-Thanks, we are celebrating.- Laf said.

-And what are we celebrating?.-

-You got the job, Kirsh will be here in an hour to take you there.-

-That's... so amazing, I'm so ready to leave it all behind... I really am.-

-well, now it's the time to do it. Hey you need a phone so, here.- 

-I thought this ones were discontinued.-

-Probably and YOU'RE WELCOME BY THE WAY.- 

-Thanks Laf...- Carm smiled at her.

........

Later kirsh arrived to take carmilla to her new job.

-So thanks for this work and I must say, it's pretty ironic to work in a bar being an ex con and all.-

-Will is a cool dude, he'll understand you'll like him plus it's a pretty chill job.-

-You are SO into him.- Carmilla smircked.

-I'm not... we met in party and then we had sex and then we started to know each other but I think we are just friends.... who had sex.-

-Why don't you ask him out to a real date.-

-I've been thinking about it but, dude, he's so smart and educated and shit. but Me, I'm just an ex homeless dude.-

-Hey don't look down on yourself you survived a lot and then you got out of the streets and you got a job and now you have a nice scary apartment, you should be proud. He would be lucky to have you in his life.-

-Do you really think so?.-

-Of course.-

-I missed you so much.- Kirsh admitted.

-I've heard that before.-

-HEY.- 

-And I've missed so much too.-

...

-So this is it.-

-Nice place.- Carmilla really meant it, it was like the entrance of an old bar. 

-Let's go inside.- Kirsh said excited.

-Oh my god I love this.- it wa even better in the inside. It was a pretty unique vitage bar full of antique things.

-Yeah it's amazing.-

A guy appeared coming down the stairs.

-Hi, you must be Carmilla.- He said.

-Yes I am, You must be Will?.-

-Yeap I am, Pleased to meet you. kirsh have told me a lot about you and don't worry I know you've been prison.- That was new. She didn't know he knew.

-Okay.. thanks but I have to ask.. why would you have an ex con working here in you bar? not that I'm complaining at all.. I'm just curious.-

-Well...  I was in prison to a long time ago and I know how hard it is to find a job so...- 

-Woah I didn't see that coming but I really apreciate it.- She really did.

-Okay, so let's get started then.-

-Okay i think it's time for me to go, see you later carm. Bye Will.- Kirsh didn't even look at Will. 

-Bye Kirsh take care.- Will said immediately regretting it.

-Take care? really?.- Carm laughed.

-I know it was awful it's just he makes so nervous.-

-I'll help you with that.-

-You would?.-

-Of course he's my best friend and you're my boss so.. what could go wrong?-

-Everything???.-

-Well, Yeah but still.- They both laughed.

-Okay, you came in a really good time because there will be a big celebration tomorrow. About 50 people are coming, so it's big. You'll start with cleaning the bar area and then i'll help you moving the chairs and tables. We need to make this place look cute.-

-Okay, let's get started then.-

..............

Carmilla has been working for a couple of hours now and things were going great, she really liked the job. Will was really nice and she was really good at making cocktails. She was looking for something behind the bar when suddenly she heard someone coming.

-Um hello, Will is that you?.- it was a girl.

-Um no, wait a minute.- 

_Carmilla turned around to face the girl. And God, she was beautiful. Their eyes met and they lost each other in them._

Will came down the stairs.

-ELLE! you're finally here.-

-Yes, I am.- She kept looking at carmilla.

-Oh, Carm she's my cousin Elle, Elle she's carmilla she works here.-

-Hi.- Elle said.

-Hey.- Carmilla smiled. And now they were both smiling like fools.

-Okay, let me take your bags upstairs. Oh there's an apartment upstairs by the way.- He say looking at carm.

-So you live in a bar that you own.. I'm jelous now.- The 3 laughed.

-What can I say I'm living my best life.-

-That's great.-  _Carmilla was wondering if one day she could said the same._

Will went upstairs, leaving the two girls alone.

-I've never see you around here before.- Elle said. She was sitting in front of carmilla.

-I was far for a long time.- 

-Oh, how long?.-

-Five years..- 

-Wow, That's a lot but I get you I mean, I couldn't wait to go to college and get the hell out of this town, did you travel a lot? you give the "I've traveled the world in my motorcycle" kind of vibe.- 

-What.. no I wish. I... actually went to prison.- Carmilla regreted saying that immediatly.-Fuck, I shouldn't have told you that, you probably don't want to talk to me again.-

-WHAT! NOO don't say that, I'm not that kind of person, now I'm even more intrigued by you.- 

-Intrigued? Mmm.. that's good, because I'm really intrigued by you too.- They were flirting without a doubt.

-Well why don't you and I go for a coffee after work.-

-I think I'd like that very much.-

-okay so let me now when you're done and I'll be here.- Elle said

-okay.- Carmilla smiled at her.

-okay, see you then.- 

................

Carmilla was feeling great, she couldn'T believe how lucky she was now, great job, great boss, and a hot date. Nothing could go wrong from now on. Will was coming down the stairs with a laptop.

-Okay carm, remeber the big party tomorrow?.-

-Yeah, what's up with it?.-

-Okay, so it's an engagement party, here are the details.-

-Okay let me see....- She started reading and suddenly she saw the two names.-Oh, God.- 

-What, do you know them?-

-She's my ex.... Laura.-

-Woah Holy shit, this it's gonna be interensting.- 

-yeah, I bet.-

-But are you okay with it?.-

-Yes, yes it's my first big event I can't screwed it up.-

-Yeah, plus remember you won't be alone.- 

-What?.-

-Do you think I'm blind? I saw you and Elle.- Will laughed. 

-Hey no, I'm professional.-

-Just saying... Okay It's 5 o'clock you're done for today.-

-Okay, I'll finish this and then... hey can you tell Elle I'm ready.-

-HA ! I knew it, guuurl you'll be fine tomorrow.-

-I hope so.-

Carm was feeling strange but it didn't affect her that much because in that moment she realized that Laura have really moved on, and she needed to do the same and everything was going great for her and she's been waiting to say that for a long time... So Laura and her statue of liberty were not going to change that.

-So are you ready.- Elle had changed her clothes and Carmilla was really grateful for that. God this girl was really beautiful... Yeah she's going to be fine.

-Yes I am.- Carmilla smiled at her.

-Okay let's go.-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit just got real lol
> 
> Okay so it's time for the encounter.
> 
> and Perry is going to make an appearance.


	3. You Know me Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla tries her best to deal with everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to song "You know me well" by sharon van etten and this happened.  
> and I change the "-" for " "

_"You know me well_   
_You show me hell when I'm looking_   
_And here you are_   
_Looking"_

 

“So, I'm organizing my ex’s engagement party… How fucked up is that?” 

Laf burst out laughing “That’s so fucked up. But what are you gonna do?”

“I’m just gonna do my job, that’s all. Can we please talk about something else now?” Carm said.

“Okay.. Okay, so how was your date with... What’s her name Ellen?”

“It’s Elle, and it was not a date, we just went to grab some coffee. That's it” Carm said it avoiding Laf’s look.

“Yeah, sure and how was the coffee then?”

“It was… Great, she’s studying criminology how cool is that?” Carm said it with a smile in her face.

“As cool as the fact that you're blushing right now”.

“Oh, shut up” Carm said rolling her eyes.

“But I’m happy that you’re happy. I can see you are finally letting go of the past. You used to be so caught up in it, it seemed like you were trapped there, even when we’re kids you were always thinking about things you couldn't longer change. So I'm really glad that you are moving on”

Laf was right Carm was always torturing herself with thing that were no longer there, she was always thinking about the “What if’s”. She couldn't quite get if it was the prison or the time that has passed that made her grown and change so much. It was such a weird feeling, she wanted Laura to be happy no matter what and she wanted to tell her that somehow. But she knew, she couldn't do that. It was too soon… or maybe too late.

“Okay, I'm going to bed now so, Have a good night” Laf said 

“Good night” 

……………….

 _That night she had an awful nightmare, she was still in prison and she was in that shower. It was happening all over again. “Hey, you” Said a woman twice her sized. “You are one of jack’s kids, aren’t you?”, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” Carm said while she was wrapped in a towel. “You know, you’re his favorite type… Young, pretty and an orphan I guess? I bet he got you out of the streets and then used you for dealing or as a whore... No, you’re still cute so, as a dealer? I presume” The woman was getting closer and closer to her and she was more than terrified. “You’re right in everything, how shocking”_ _she tried to sound like she wasn't scared but her blood was running cold. “You know that he killed my brother”. Fuck. She was fucked. The woman pushed her against the wall holding a knife to her throat. “You’re dead kiddo” the woman looked her up and down and said, “But maybe I’ll have some fun first”._

Carmilla woke up in the middle of the night screaming. She cried herself to sleep, later.

………………

Laf and Carm were having breakfast, “You look tired. Did you have enough sleep?” Laf asked. “Yes, I think I’m just getting used to my new bedroom, I guess” Carm said unsure. 

Laf knew she was lying and they were about to ask her again but the doorbell rang.  “Saved by the bell” Laf said while going to the door. To their surprise, it was a young woman probably their same age, she had red curly hair and beautiful eyes.

“Can I help you?” Laf asked.

“Um, yes I’m Lola Perry, I’m looking for Carmilla” The woman smiled at Laf.

_They were both blushing._

“Oh, yes she told me about you! come inside”. Laf took her to the living room. “Hey, there’s someone looking for you.”  They said.

“You must be Lafontaine, right?” Perry said.

“Yes, I am.” _They were so nervous but why?_ They’ve never seen this woman before so why they were feeling so weird, they were about to say something else but Carmilla finally appeared.

“Perry!” Carm said.

“Hi, I finally got to meet the famous Laf” Perry said looking at Laf. “Are you ready to start?” Perry asked with excitement.

“Yeah” Carmilla said distracted.

“Okay, I’ll leave you two alone then. Hey...” They looked at Carm “I’m glad you’re finally talking with someone.” Laf said and walked out the door.

“Lafontaine really cares about you” Perry said.

“Yes, I’m lucky”. Carm said smiling to herself.

“Hey, why don’t you sit down?” Perry said and Carmilla sat in the couch besides her.

“You look tired, how is everything going?” Perry said looking at Carm.

“Actually everything’s going great I found a job and I even talked to a girl, we went out and it was great” 

“Oh my God! That’s great, that is really great” Perry said genuinely.

_There was a pause_

“But I’m still feeling lost, you know? I feel like everything it’s just a dream and I'll wake up in prison again” Carmilla admitted.

“It’s completely normal to feel a little lost at first, but I feel like something trigged you because the last time we talked you were really looking forward for this, did something happen?” Perry said.  

“Well a couple of things happened, actually. First I found out that my ex Laura” _she paused_ … “The same Laura I've been thinking about for the past five years is gonna get married oh… and she’s doing the engagement party in the same place I work for…. And on top of that I had a nightmare in which I was in that fucking bathroom again and everything felt so real… GOD I just wanted to disappear” Carmilla felt the overwhelming need to ran away from there. But she knew that feeling too well, so she tried to calm herself down.

“Oh honey, why didn’t you start with that?” Perry asked worried reaching out her hand to Carm’s arm

“I don’t know I’m barely processing it all, I wish I could pretend some things never happened, you know?” she admitted.

“We always avoid problems thinking sooner or later they will disappear but the truth is, we need to heal in order to confront them or to truly being able to let them go…. And to be honest, I don’t think is a good for you to be in that engagement party”

“But it’s my job, I gotta be there” Carmilla said hopeless.

“You know…. giving the circumstances I’m going to forget that I’m your psychologist for a minute and I’ll say, that you should be there with someone maybe even with this girl you met, it will give you another perspective of things.. I just I don’t think you should be there alone”

“Wow…that's surprisingly unprofessional of you but I’m digging it” They both shared a laugh and then Perry looked at her saying “Well, we’ve met for a long time so… who cares?”

“I love it when you get unprofessional, by the way” Carm said.

“Carm, what happened after that nightmare?” Perry said with a more serious look.

“I just wanted to forget so the first thing it came to my mind was heroin…fucking heroin” Carmilla said clearly upset.

“You thought about heroin even though you’ve been fighting so much for staying sober?” Perry was now writing something in her journal.

“Yes… I hate the effect it has over me, I’ve been clean for 3 years, but as soon as I remember what happened I don’t care about anything it’s like an unstoppable force that it could destroy everything I’ve built and I’m terrified of it.”

Perry could see how affected Carm was. She tried to see her in the eyes but the girl was lost in her thoughts.

 “Hey… you need to remind yourself how strong you are and how far you’ve come. See, we can’t change the bad and terrible things that had happen to us but we can’t change the good things either… and what does that tell us?” Carmilla stayed silent waiting for Perry to continue. ”Life it’s just a moment and what happens before or after doesn’t really matter, what matters is the reason why we decided to give this life another chance. Our past doesn't define us, the same happens with our future so the only thing we can do is just live and enjoy this moment, I know it sounds like a cliché but it's true, the only thing that matters is what it’s already happening. And we need to learn from those bad or good things that happened… but if we went through something really shitty we need to try our best to let it go, because truth is, some things hurt too much to drag them around with us.”

“Easier said than done.” She was looking at Perry now.

“But think about it this way, we suffer because we are attach to things and people. So, to be truly free and happy we must let go of the memories. And it’s important to believe in yourself first because if you believe in something or someone else you’ll take their beliefs as a priority leaving yours behind and you’ll never know what’s truly good or bad. So, to be happy and free and let go of things, you must believe in yourself”

“I know, I know and you are right. I’ve been through some… things but I’m still here and that’s what matters and I’m going to keep fighting because I deserve one more fight, right?”

“Yes, you do honey” Perry said with a warm smile.

_They kept talking for a while. Perry left with a nice feeling, she knew Carmilla will be able to move on._

…………………….

Carmilla was working, everything was almost ready for the party. She wasn’t that nervous anymore. Perry brought her back to earth. She was still thinking about Laura, tho but someone interrupted her thoughts.

“Hey, good looking” Elle said in a flirtatious way.

“Hey, yourself” Carm said blushing. “ _Oh my God, who is this girls and why she makes me feel this… way”_ _She thought._

“I don’t know how you can be so calm” Elle said stepping closer to Carm.

“Why shouldn't I be?” Carmilla said a bit confused.

“Yesterday you told me today is your ex’s engagement party… Here” Elle said

Carmilla forgot she have told Elle about that. “Oh… that, well I’m really trying not to think about it so much but it’s impossible, to be honest”

Elle stepped even closer leaving almost no space between them, she took Carmilla’s hand and said, “I can be here with you if you want”

Carmilla forgot how to breathe for a minute. “I’d love that” Carm finally said. This girl was something else she thought.

……………..

Carmilla gave a quick glance to the clock and freaked out, it was almost time and people would be there in any minute _Laura it’s going to be there in any minute_. The entrance door opened and she saw a tall figure coming towards her.

“Hi, I’m Danny, I’m the one who's getting married” she joked “Anyway, I came here first just in case you guys needed something” She didn’t recognize Carmilla… at first.

“Oh no, we are good, everything is set and ready to start”

_Thank God, she doesn't remember. Carmilla thought._

“Wait a minute” Danny said with a confused look “Do I know you from somewhere?”

_Fuuuuuuck._

Carmilla didn’t even bother “Yes, you do know me. I’m Carmilla” she said. Danny had the same confused look so Carm continued. “We met in high school… I was with Laura… you hated me I hated it you… then I went to prison”.

“Yeah… I know, I know who you are, it’s just WOW, I’m so shocked… we haven't heard from you for five or six years and now you’re suddenly here, it’s crazy”

_“We” ugh._

“And I never hated you by the way, actually I’m glad you’re doing fine” Danny said honestly.

It was true, Danny never hated it her, actually she and Laura were never a “thing” back then. They fell in love when they met again a few years ago.

“Maybe I exaggerate with the hate thing” Carm admitted.

“This is so crazy, when did you get out?”

“A few days ago, actually”

“Well you have a really nice job that’s good”

“Yeah, it’s great”

“So… Laura is going to freaked out” Danny admitted.

“Well… so am I.”

Okay that wasn't that bad at all, maybe it wasn't going to be that hard after all. Laura has clearly moved on and she was doing the same so maybe there was not going to be a problem.

……….

Carmilla and Elle were working behind the bar, Carm has been distracted looking at the entrance every five minutes.

“Hey stop looking at the door, don’t be so nervous she’s not going to kill you or anything” Elle said.

“I hope so”

The door opened once more and suddenly everything was happening in slow motion…

It was Laura, she looked the same but more mature. Laura’s eyes went directly to Carmilla, and now, they were both staring at each other from afar. Danny went to welcome Laura, she wanted to tell her the news. “Hey beautiful” Danny said but Laura was still looking at her ex-girlfriend “I know I should’ve told you, but I didn’t know she was working here” Danny said with an apologetically smile.

“What?” Laura said confused, looking at Danny now

“Carmilla works here” Danny said

“Wait what?” Laura couldn’t believe what was happening

“Carmilla your ex-girlfriend?”  

“I know who she is, Danny. I just thought.... she was gone forever”

“She got out from prison a few days ago”

“And she works here?” Laura said.

“Yeah, isn’t that amazing?  I mean because most people wouldn't hire an ex con” Danny said 

“Danny, it’s not amazing it’s fucked up, I thought I’d never see her again and here she is, throwing my engagement party” Laura was clearly upset.

“Yeah, it’s odd but it’s not so bad”

“It’s fucked up, I must have done something really bad in my past life”

“Come on, relax it’s our party, remember?” Danny said giving Laura a big hug.

“Okay, okay I’ll just stay far from the bar I don’t want to talk to Carmilla or her… girlfriend”

“Her name is Elle she’s actually really nice” Danny said

“Babe just… shut up”

………………..

 

“She’s really beautiful” Elle said.

“Yeah, she is” Carmilla said while serving drinks.

“She looks so mad, tho”

“Yeah I wouldn’t like to be in Xena’s shoes right now” Carmilla admitted.

“You’re doing pretty well”

“It’s thanks to you”

Carmilla stepped closer and tucked a stray of hair behind Elle’s ear.

“I've been wanting to do something for a while now” Carm admitted.

“Better do it or I will” And with that Carmilla leaned and Kissed Elle it was a quick kiss because they knew it wasn't a good idea to kiss in Carm’s workplace but it was nice.

“I promise we'll continue this after the party” Carm said

“OH, believe me we will”

……………………..

Nobody noticed the kiss except for Laura, who was feeling like she could explode in any minute. A part of her was happy for Carmilla because she was finally out and she seemed doing great but the other part was still hurt because of what happened in the past, she thought she was over it but there she was, feeling like no time has passed and she could just go and talk to that girl. She was too lost in her thoughts to notice Danny talking to her

“Laura” Danny said once more.

“What??” Laura said

“I’m gonna get drinks”

“I’ll go with you”

“Are you sure?” Danny said surprised and Laura just nod.

 _What am I doing?_ She said to herself. Everything was happening in slow motion again. Carmilla could see Laura getting closer and closer until she was in front of her. Everyone was just staring to each other and no one was saying anything but Danny broke the awkward silence.

“We need more drinks”

“What drinks exactly?” Carmilla asked but she was still looking at Laura and Laura was doing the same.

“A little bit of everything” Danny answered. Carmilla turned around to look for the drinks, Elle helped her and they served the drinks on the table.

“Thanks” Danny said. “Hey Laura babe, help me with this” Danny gave her a bottle but Laura was too distracted so the liquid spilled all over her “Fuck!! I’m so sorry”

“Here take some napkins” Elle said. “Thanks” Danny responded.

“You have got to be kidding me I need a new shirt” Laura looked at Danny.

“Babe I’m wearing a dress”

“Take mine” Carmilla said.

“No” Laura said angry

“What are you gonna do? Ask everyone one by one if they have an extra shirt? Take mine I can wear my hoodie”

“UUUUUGH okay” Laura said frustrated.

“Alright let’s go” Carmilla took Laura to the bathroom while Danny and Elle just stood there in shock.

……………….

They were in the bathroom Carm was about to take off her shirt when Laura spoke.

“Why are you here?” Laura said

_Carmilla knew what she meant with that but she didn’t want to go there just yet._

“I work here”

“I know, but you knew it was my party, couldn't you just say no and stay away?”  

“No I couldn't, I'm the only person who works here”

“Sure… and what about Gigi Hadid over there?” They way Laura said that, made Carmilla remember the old days, _the good old days._

“Her name is Elle and she doesn’t work here” Carmilla explained.

_This was just like a Déjà vu._

“So you bring your girlfriend to work?”

“She’s not… You know what, she’s too short to look like Gigi Hadid” Carmilla said in a silly tone and smirk making Laura laugh. And with that the entire atmosphere changed, it was lighter with a certain kind of longing.

“Carm… why, why things happened the way they did?” Laura said, her voice was barely a whisper.

“I don’t know creampuff” Carm said looking into her eyes.

“You’re finally out” Laura gave her a half smile.

“You’re getting married”

“Yes, I am...and How’s Laf?” Laura didn’t want to talk about that with Carmilla.

“They’re great I’m living with them actually”

“That’s good… And how are you?” Laura wanted to ask that since she saw her.

“Do you really care?” Carm said bitterly

“How can you say that?”

“I thought you had already forgotten me” Carmilla said

“Maybe for you was easier but not for me”

“Easy? You think it was easy for me! I spent years locked in prison wondering why you never went to see me”

“YOU disappeared!” Laura responded angrily

“I didn’t disappear!”

“Yes you did!”

_They were both yelling like crazy people._

“You know what? Let’s not do this right now. You need to change”  Carm said pointing out Laura’s shirt.

“Yes I need to change” Laura said rolling her eyes.

“Okay, I’m going to take off my shirt but don’t peek!”

Laura didn’t want to look but it was inevitable.

_“Wow, she have packs now?” Laura thought._

“What?” Carm said.

 _Fuck, did I say it out loud?_ “Umm… Nothing, I just asked if you weren’t gonna get cold” _Nice, Hollis._

“Nope, I bring my hoodie” Carm said while offering the shirt to Laura

“Thanks... Okay now I’m gonna change and don’t peek” Laura said

“You know I can see through your shirt right? Not that I have done it, but that’s what usually happens when someone wet their shirt” Carm said zipping up the hoodie.

“Oh shut up!”

Laura put on the shirt and then looked at Carmilla “Okay, I’m ready... It was nice to see you again and Thanks for the shirt” Then she headed to the door.

 “Wait” Carmilla said

“What?” Laura turned around

“We should talk”

_There was a pause._

“Yes, we should” Laura finally responded.

“What about next week?”

“I’m free on Friday”

“Okay, Friday works for me” Carmilla said and then pulled a pencil out of her pocket and wrote her number on a piece of napkin and gave it to Laura.

 “How old school of you”

“Well my phone is older than me so just take the napkin and call me or text me if something’s up”

 “I will” Laura smiled.

 “Okay” Carmilla said opening the door for Laura

 

…………………………

The party was now over, Carmilla and Will were cleaning.

“It was a great night” Will said

“Yeah it was pretty eventful”

“You did a great job”

“Thanks, Will.”

“Oh, and Elle said she had something for you, she’s upstairs you can go after we finish”

“Alright”

…………………………

Two hours later Carm was outside Elle’s door. She knocked and Elle opened.

“Hi, what’s going on?” Carm said with a smirk

“I was waiting for you” Elle took Carm’s hand and took her inside the room closing the door behind her. They started to kiss and then Elle unzipped Carm’s hoodie.

 “Okay…What’s happening?” Carm said smiling  

“This” Elle said taking off her dress.

…………

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk


	4. You're Somebody Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... Carmilla has feelings for Elle.  
> And Laura has moved on but maybe she's not so happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I was away for awhile so I couldn't post earlier but now I'm back and I'm going to post every sunday.  
> -Again, english is not my native language so there's probably some mistakes.

_"You were the better part_   
_Of every bit of beating heart that I had_   
_Whatever I had_   
_I finally sat alone_   
_Pitch black flesh and bone_   
_Couldn't believe that you were gone"_

 

Carmilla woke up confused, she didn’t know where she was… until, she saw the blonde girl sleeping next to her. “ _What a night, she thought”._  They had a great night, but Carm was feeling a bit off… it was fantastic, it was mind-blowing but it was just sex after all and it didn't really felt more than that to her. Carmilla searched quietly for her stuff and then she left.

 _“I’m an asshole”_  she murmured.

She decided to walk home… she needed distraction. Suddenly her phone rang, it was a text from, Laura  _"Just checking if you gave me the right number"_ Carm smiled to herself wondering how a simple text makes her feel more things than the night she spent with Elle. That was not a nice thing to say or think but when it came to Laura everything was different.

_“Yeap, right number (:”_

_“Good to know.”_

_………….._

She was finally home and in her way to the stairs when she heard Laf said

“Long night?” They were in the kitchen having breakfast

“You have no idea” Carm went to the kitchen and sat next to Laf

“Start from the beginning” Laf gave her a cup of coffee.

“Thanks… Well, I talked with Laura and I found out that for all these years she thought that I left her without any fucking explanation so we are going to meet on Friday to discuss “this” and later I had sex with Elle and I feel weird even though it was amazing and then I left without saying anything… I’m an asshole”

“You’re not…and WOW you guys are gonna meet, that’s great because you both deserved a nice closure and don’t blame yourself for not feeling how you’re supposed to feel after you slept with Elle… I mean we all act different fell different, you barely know her, take it easy… you know? ”

“I know… I know, I’m happy she’s happy, tho. Everything feels so crazy, Last month I was in prison feeling miserable and now I got you and a girl and a job… but Laura there’s always Laura” Carmilla admitted

“It’s a process, don’t be so hard on your feelings dude.  FEEL! Let it be, sounds cliché as fuck but believe me is true just take it on day at a time, you work tomorrow?”

“Nope, I got this weekend off”

“What kind of bar does not open in weekends?”

“It’s just for this weekend, we usually don’t open for a few days after a big event like this”

“Well, I'm jealous now but that’s a good thing because you can rest and not think about girls for a few days” They joked

“Yeah, what can I say…? I’m the lucky one, hey I’m gonna head to my room now I need some sleep so”

“Okay, have a good night-day then”

“Have a good day night too and thanks for the coffee”

..............

Carm was now laying on her bed ready to sleep when her phone rang. _“Why!!!?!_ _God why”_ Then she saw who it was and got nervous, it was Elle. She knew, leaving her without even saying goodbye was awful and wrong.

“Elle?”

“Heeey, how are you?” her voice was soft

“Hey... I’m sorry for leaving without saying anything this morning”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine I know it was fast, that’s why I wanted to call you, I don’t want you to worry about it, I know you need your time and all, I just wanted you to know, there’s no pressure ”

“Oh god.. How can you be so perfect?” She meant it.

“Oh well, perfect that’s me” she said laughing

“Thanks for… understand me”

“You don’t have to thank me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Alright… I gotta go so…”

“Yeah, yeah of course see you on monday”

“See you on Monday, bye carm”

“Bye Elle.”

Carmilla fell asleep with a smile in her face.

………….

The week passed fast, too fast. And as Elle said, things were pretty great between them, now they were taking things slow and Carm really appreciated it. She also noticed every time Elle smiles her nose makes a really cute wrinkle. She liked her perhaps too much.

It was Friday and Carmilla was waiting for Laura in the Café, she was extremely nervous but she didn’t had time to overthink the situation because Laura was already walking towards the table. She was wearing a really fancy suit, _her work must be a good one, she thought._

“Hi” Laura said.

 _God, that smile_ “Hey...”

Laura sat across the table … “Sorry I’m late, I just had the worst day ever, first I hate my job and second I hate my job” She let out a sigh.

“No, don’t worry so what do you do?”

“I’m a journalist…” 

“But you’ve always want that, you wanted to expose bad people and be where the action was and stuff like that.”

“And I still do. But how am I going to expose the truth and all of that if I am chained to a desk all day reviewing baby commercials?!?!!”

“What?!” Carmilla laughed

“Don’t laugh! And yes, baby commercials.”

“Oh god! But why are you still working there?”

“Financial stability?” Laura said with a frown

“But you used to make fun of those people who stayed in their miserable jobs just for the money and isn’t Xena rich or something?”

“Her parents are… And I don’t care if they are rich or not” Laura paused. “If something happens I want to have something and well that’s life we all become something else at the end”

“Yeah, but we can't become in something we used to hate”

“I don’t hate who I am, I just realized that life costs money and it’s stupid but that how it is, if I want to travel or if I want to do anything” Laura said a bit annoying.

“I didn’t mean to say that. I just don’t think money is that important, I’m not gonna stay in a miserable job just because the world costs money, fuck that! I’d just chase what I want.”

“Easy for you to say” Laura said sarcastically but then she realized she was being an asshole “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it” She admitted.

“Yeah you did, but you are right. I spent five years locked I don’t know how adult life works” She said avoiding Laura’s gaze

“Hey… I’m really sorry” Laura took Carmilla’s hand and they both looked down at their hands in silence until the waitress came.

**“Hi, here’s you order, please enjoy”**

“Thanks” Carmilla said “I already order something for you, I know how you love cocoa and biscuits”

“You remembered, thanks” And now they were looking at each other deeply like they were the only people in the room.

 “Hey…but what about you, I want to know how you’ve been.” Laura broke the silence

“Better.” Carmilla said without breaking the eye contact

“And how was…” Laura stop herself

“Prison?”

Laura regretted the question immediately.

“It’s okay you can ask… and it was awful, I still got nightmares… I’m just glad is over” Carmilla looked away avoiding Laura’s eyes.

“I’m sorry” Laura looked like she wanted to cry

“Hey, it was not your fault, it was mine”

“I’m just still thinking about what you said to me at the party” Laura admitted.

“I said a lot of things at the party” But Carmilla knew what Laura meant

“Yeah, but when you said you didn’t left... I just wish I could have known that”

“You couldn’t have known that…And it doesn’t really change anything”

“But it could have!” Laura said raising her voice

“No, Laura. What could I have said to you? To wait for me?” Carmilla said with a frown

“But what if I wanted to?” Laura looked at her eyes

“Those were dark days, Laura. Believe me, it was for the better” Carmilla admitted.

“There’s something I still wonder. After you left I talked with laf, and they told me you were serving three years but then all of the sudden it was five, why?”

Carmilla’s face changed completely “You want the long or the short story?” She said dryly.

“The one you prefer” Laura’s voice was soft she knew it was something that really affected her.

“I almost killed someone so they gave me two more years” Carmilla said looking away

“You what?!” Laura raised her voice again

“I…”

“I heard it, I just can’t believe it. You would never do something like that, I know you” Laura said in confusion.

“It was her or me, Laura” Carmilla paused. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Can we please change the subject?”

“Yes, I’m sorry” Laura said

“Don’t worry about it”

“I just… I always got this feeling when it comes to you” Laura said without really knowing what she meant with that.

“I know… I feel the same thing with you” Carmilla knew what Laura meant. “Soooo, how’s your relationship with Danny going?”

“It’s going fine… She’s so sweet, I am really lucky to have her…” Laura said sounding like a robot

“But…” Carmilla knew something was up.

“But I feel so trapped! I feel like I’m so far from where I wanted to be… I’ve never said it out loud, please don't tell anyone about it”

“I would never, don’t worry. So, let me get this straight, you feel trapped so you’re gonna get marry? Woah, That’s some really great logic you have right there”

“But we love each other we’ll figure it out, eventually” Laura herself didn’t even believe that

“Are you sure?”

“What do you mean?” Laura said with a frown

“I don’t know, it’s just…Love means freedom to me.”

“I felt really free when you went to prison” Laura admitted

“Oh, nice move”

“Fuck.. I’m sorry, it’s just... Have you here after all this time is…”

“Weird?” Carmilla said with frown.

“Hard.” Laura admitted and their eyes locked again. Suddenly her phone rang. And Laura pulled it off of her bag

_“Hi… yeah…I’ll be there soon… I’m in the grocery store. Ok, bye”_

“Grocery store, really?” Carmilla raised her eyebrow

“It was Danny, I wasn’t gonna tell her I am having coffee with my ex”

“I know, I know… hey, this was good”

“Yeah, it was pretty nice” they were just staring at each other like when they were teenagers again.

“We could do this again sometime” Laura said.

“Totally!”

“The bill, please” Laura said to the waitress who was passing next to her.

 “It’s on me” Carmilla said

“What? No” But It was too late because Carm was already paying

“You’ll call the shots next time” Carmilla winked and Laura blushed

“Okay, it was a placer” Carmilla said.

“Yes it was.”

Carmilla decided to walk home. She realized (for the second time) that Laura has actually move on so, that broodiness towards her needed to stop. She needed to see the full picture, she had a good job, she was living with Laf, she was finally free and she had Elle.

………

The weekend went fast, and now she was at the bar working again. Elle has not been around in all day and she really wanted to see her.

The day was going pretty slow but it was Monday after all. She was cleaning a mess made by a drunk customer, when Elle arrived.

“Busy, huh?”  Elle asked with a smile.

“Nah, I’m just cleaning some vomit, the usual, you know?”

“EWWWW”

“Hey, and how was your day?” Carmilla stopped what she was doing and went to her side

“Carm, I need to tell you something” Elle said seriously.

“What’s going on?” Carm said worried

“I need to go back early, something’s up and I must go tonight” She said avoiding Carm’s look.

“Something happened, something bad?” Carmilla felt a hole in her stomach

“No, nothing like that, it’s just work…” she sighed

“What’s wrong?” Carmilla took her hand

“It just I thought we would have more time, that’s all.” Elle was looking away

“Me too” Carm said

“I really like you, Carm” Elle was looking at her now.

“And I really like you, Elle” Carmilla admitted.

Elle looked like she wanted to cry “Fuck…I’m sorry” her voice cracked.

“Hey, don’t…if you cry I’ll cry” Carmilla admitted.

“I know we’ve just met, but I really feel like you’re different… I know it’s dumb” Elle said.

“Hey, it’s not!” Carm wrapped her arms around the other girl. “I… I feel the same way about you… this really fucking sucks”

“Why don’t you stay with me tonight?” Elle said

“I’d love that” They stayed like that for a moment.

…………..

They were laying in the bed, Elle was resting her head in Carmilla’s chest.

“What if we wait for each other” Carmilla said.

“What?”

“What if I wait until you’re done and I go there or you come here again… maybe we can make this work”

“Okay” Elle looked up and gave her a kiss.

……………

Carmilla woke up knowing she was in Elle’s room this time, but it was different because she was feeling something really special this time. There was note on the other pillow, she took it and read.

** _“It was beautiful, if you wait I’ll wait”_ **

And Elle was gone,

Carmilla cried

And started to rain.

She walked home again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time we'll find out something about Danny.  
> Laura's going to see carm again  
> Some shit is about to happen, guys.


	5. Love Will Tear Us Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's fate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I couldn't post the past sunday so here it is!  
> I'll be posting this sunday anyways.  
> Again, English is not my native language so there's probably some mistakes.

 

_"Then love, love will tear us apart again"_

 

“Take care and don’t burn the house down PLEASE!” Laf said. They were going on a trip to Europe, due to their scientific work and Carmilla was already feeling a little anxious, she didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts. And now that Elle was gone, things were harder. But at least Kirsch agreed in staying with her for those two weeks.

“I promise I won’t do anything reckless or stupid” Carmilla assured them.

“Okay I trust you but I don’t trust Kirsch so, please keep an eye on him” Laf laughed.

“Don’t worry I promise we’re not going to sell drugs or anything like that” Carmilla said sarcastically.

“Yeah, because we already know how that’d end up.” Laf said checking their phone. “Okay, my cab is outside, I love you and please don’t think too much about Laura or Elle”

“LAF I DON’T CARE ABOUT LAURA”

“Sure!” Laf was already yelling from outside

“Okay, take care, love you!” Carmilla saw the car disappear and then went back to her bed, it was Sunday morning after all.

………………….

In that same morning a furious Laura was waiting for Danny who disappeared all night. Things were not going so well between them. Truth is, everything was going downhill. since the marriage proposal. It was like they both suddenly realized that their life was about to change dramatically and that maybe they were not prepared for all of that, but they needed to discuss it, not pretend like the other person didn’t exist… So, yeah Laura was pretty mad.  Suddenly a very clumsy-drunk Danny finally made an entrance.

 “What the hell Danny?” This was bringing some old familiar vibes to Laura.

“Working… I…….  I was working?” Danny managed to articulate.

“Could you at least make a better excuse, it's Sunday morning where the fuck were you!?”

“I’m sorry…. I don’t know…I’m drunk I just need a little bit of…” And with that Danny passed out on the couch.

“This is fucking unbelievable” Laura murmured and then covered her drunk fiancé with a blanket and then went to bed again.

Laura had mixed feelings about all of this, first she was worried about Danny but not in a romantic way and that was just playing with her mind because she wanted to be so mad but it didn’t really affect her. So, what does that mean? Are they still going to get married? Is she still in love? Their relationship was amazing but because it always felt more like a friendship and maybe that was the problem. But it was more than just that, she felt stuck, she hated her job maybe Carmilla was right, maybe she was becoming someone else and she didn’t want to be this person at all.  She didn’t want to exist without living, she deserves better and Danny deserves better.

……………….

It was already noon and Laura was starved so she went to have some brunch and then headed back to the apartment. She didn’t expect Danny to be awake yet, but there she was sitting in the couch looking ashamed. Laura sat in the other couch in silence.

“Laura, I’m so sorry” Danny apologized.

“Danny, I just want us to have a grown up and honest conversation. We deserve the truth.”

 “You’re right we deserve the truth… I’ve been feeling so pressure because of my parents and the company… You know they want me to take their place, right?” _Laura nodded_ “And I just… I don’t think I’m prepared for all of that and now the marriage… I feel like adult life is hitting me right on the face and I’m lost, I hate my job at the company I hate the fucking company to be honest. And the only thing that makes me feel better is gambling, and it’s getting out of hand” Danny said brittle.

“Oh my god, Danny I didn’t have idea… Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Laura said, reaching Danny’s arm.

“Because there’s more than that…. I cheated on you”

Laura lay back looking up to the ceiling and let out a sigh and then laughed sarcastically “I’m sorry I know it’s not funny, it’s just so fucked up… this whole situation it’s just too much” And then she started to cry, Danny got closer to give her comfort, letting her forehead rest on Laura’s.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry” Danny was crying too.

“I know… Me too”

“Why are you sorry about? I am the one who fucked up” Danny looked at Laura

“Danny we both know this hasn’t been working since…”

“The proposal?”

“Yeah, exactly”

Danny took Laura’s hand and gave her a sad smile “Maybe it was too soon”

“Maybe it was” Laura responded.

“What are we going to do now?”

“I don’t know I just, don’t know”

…………

Carmilla and Kirsch were in the living room playing cards. It’s amazing to see how much he has changed since they met, she had miss this guy a lot. Well, they both had change but he was like a totally different person.

 “This game is stupid” Kirsch said throwing his card on the table

“It’s not! You’re only saying that because you always loose” Carmilla said

“Um, yeah” Kirsch Laughed            

 “Anyway I’m tired of kicking your ass, so…” Carmilla threw her cards on the table

“Yes finally! Now, let’s do something fun… oh… oh… let’s go to a bar!”

“I don’t know sounds like my job” Carmilla said with frown.

“But I know a really good one, you’re gonna love it!” Kirsch said eager.

“Okay, you win… just, please don't get too drunk”

”I can’t promise you that”

And so they went, Carmilla wasn't too convince at first but she needed a distraction and kirsch was a really good company.

………

Carmilla loved the place, it was a gay bar. They found a table close to the window, Kirsch ordered a beer and Carmilla just water.

“Dude are you seriously not drinking anything?”

“Nope, I told you, I don’t drink anymore”

“Wow! Who are you?!”

“Oh shut up! Hey, how are things going with Will?” Carmilla raised an eyebrow

“What?” Kirsch blushed.

“Oh come on! You are totally into him!”

“I’m not… Well I am but I’m scared” Kirsch said seriously.

“Why? Are you scared of loving someone?” Carmilla knew that feeling too well.

“Kind of… Will is amazing, Carm. And I don’t wanna hurt him”

“Kirsch, you are amazing too actually, you’re the kindest and loving person I’ve ever met and you deserve to be loved and I trust Will, he’s a great guy. You guys deserve a chance”

“Yeah you’re right, I’m gonna take him on a date! Hey…. And what about you?”

“What about me?”

“How’s your heart?” Kirsch gave her a kind smile.

“To be honest, confused and a bit hurt” Carmilla really didn’t want to talk about this.

“And that’s because of Ell or… Laura”

“Laura has nothing to do with this… Okay maybe a little… I just don’t know I’m so confused, I just got here and she’s getting married and I met great girl and now she’s gone. God, I don’t know.” Carmilla sighed.

“It’s a lot to process, you need time.” Kirsch said.

“Oh, God Laura?”

“No, the entire situation, your new lost love and your old ….”

“NO, Laura!” Carmilla pointed out at Laura who was sitting alone in the corner.

“OHHH! This is gold!”

“Kirsch whatever you're thinking to do, please don’t!” The last thing Carmilla need was talk to Laura right now, but it was too late because Kirsch was already going towards Laura. He told him something and suddenly now both were going to Carmilla’s table. Their eyes locked immediately, Laura had puffy eyes and Carmilla knew something was going on.

“Look Who I found!” Kirsch said clueless

“Hey” Carmilla said softly and Laura just nodded.

“Hey, kirsch… why don’t you go to get me something from the bar” Carmilla said

“But you don’t even drink!!”

“Just go!” Carmilla gave him a killer glance

“Oh… Okay” Kirsch finally understood what was happening and left.

“Okay… Why don’t you sit down?”

Laura sat and automatically started to cry, Carmilla got closer and wrapped her in her arms.

“Laura what’s going on?”

“It’s Danny… we broke up… I think”

“What?” _This was a surprise._

Laura sat straight again “Well, I don’t know… I mean, she’s gone but I told her to go so I don’t know”

“Wait what?” Carmilla asked confused

Suddenly, Kirsch appeared again “Laura what’s going on? Why are you crying?” He asked.

“Kirsch, why don’t you go to the bathroom now?” Carmilla said making Laura laugh.

“No, it’s okay, stay” Laura said

“Thanks, Laura” Kirsch looked at Carmilla

 “And look what I got you a Non-Alcoholic Mimosa! How can I not be the best??”

“Okay, yes you are” Carmilla said

“Wait, you stopped drinking?” Laura asked

“Yeap” Carmilla said.

“Why?” Laura was surprised but she was definitely liking this new Carm.

“Well, there was only two options in prison; to get clean and survive or keep doing drugs and die but I’m here so.. Yeah” Carmilla looked away.

Laura noticed every time Carmilla talked about prison, she’d get strange. “I’m glad you did” Laura said softly.

“Why were you crying Laura?” Kirsch asked

“Because my relationship went to hell” Laura said sincerely.

“Whaaat?  That’s impossible you and Danny are like super in love and shit”

“Well, we were but now I’m not sure, we talked this morning and then she decided to go away for a few days”

“But are you guys still together?” Carmilla asked

“I don’t know” Laura said looking away.

**_Everybody went silent_ **

_“Look who is back!”_ An unfamiliar voice appeared from behind, they turned to see who it was and Carmilla froze, it was one of the guys who also went to prison and who was still supposed to be in prison.

“Carl?” Carmilla said

“Yeap” 

“Are you surprised?” Of course Carmilla was surprised, she was in shock. When she went to prison she made a deal with the detectives, she would name everyone who was involved and she would only serve a few years. This guy was one the people she named.

“Can we talk somewhere else?” Carmilla said, she didn’t want this guy near Laura or Kirsch. He was dangerous.

“Of course, babe” He said with a creepy smile. And they disappeared in a crowd of people.

“Who’s that?” Laura asked worried

“A dude from the old gang, I guess. One of the ones she named… Fuck!” He was worried too.

“What!? Why'd she went with him? We need to go and find her!”

“Laura, this guy is dangerous, she probably didn’t want him near you. She knows what to do, so don’t worry all right?”

“Kirsch we need to see if she’s okay” Laura was panicking.

“We can't just go, we'd probably make things worse”

While Laura was having a nervous breakdown, Carmilla and Carl were outside.

“Are you surprised of seeing me out here and not in prison?”

“Cut the shit, Carl. Everybody knows I was the one who put you all in prison. So what are you gonna do, kill me?” Carmilla didn't know where that came from but she was glad.

“Oh there it is, the old you, I like her more and no I’m not here to kill you darling, at least not yet”

“So what then?” Carmilla really had no idea where this was going.

“I am not the only one who’s out, remember our boss jack?”

“What about him?” **_oh no._**

“He escaped and now suddenly we’re all out. I mean, I knew he had connections but this is crazy”

“And your point is??” She didn’t want to hear the rest.

“We need to be careful, not only our old gang is all back, our old enemies are too”

“What are you talking about dude?  I don’t belong in any fucking gang, not anymore.”

“There’s no way out, once you’re in, you're always in and we need to watch our backs”

“Fuck!” She was lost.

“Yeah, I need to go now, I’ll see you soon”

……..

One of her worst fears was coming true. Just when her life was starting to get better, it all went down. She was now going back to the table, pale as a vampire.

“Carm are you okay?” Laura asked clearly worried

“No” Carmilla took a sit and then looked both of her friends and continued “Jack’s out, actually the whole gang is out and apparently we have enemies now”

“FUCK!” Kirsch said

“WAIT! WE?? AS YOU AND THEM TOGETHER?! CARMILLA YOU WENT TO PRISON I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER” Laura looked at Carmilla but she looked away.

“Me too! I don’t know what I’m gonna do, what the fuck am I gonna do? Should I call the police?” Carmilla was losing it.

“No! Are you crazy? They’d put you back in prison” Kirsch said

“You’re right” Carmilla knew he had a point, the police wasn’t going to be of so much help. Besides it was pretty clear that jack had connections so it was pointless.

“So what? Are you thinking in going back?” Laura was terrified of that answer.

“No, Laura I’m not going back.  I’ll just lay low for a while besides, I’m sure no one even remembers me. So, maybe it will be hard to find me” She really hoped that.

“And what about that asshole who just came?” Kirsch said.

“Maybe he likes me and came to say hi, I don’t guys! Maybe I should move to another country… uhhh, maybe China. No, Iceland! No, too cold.”

“I’m glad you can make jokes, I’m still shaking” Laura said.

“Why?” Carmilla asked.

“When you went out with that man I got scared, I thought you were in danger… I still think you are in danger”

“I’m fine, don’t worry” Carmilla looked at Laura’s eyes. 

And there it was, that feeling again but now they both were feeling it. It was such a strange feeling of longing, closeness, heartbreak, sadness, perhaps even love… but none of them wanted to hear that word, it has hidden and locked maybe even forever and despite all there they were looking at each other like with the same passion as five years ago.

“Carm, I think maybe we should go” Kirsch interrupted their thoughts.

Carmilla shook her head, bringing it back to reality “Yeah, you’re right”

……….

“I don’t think you should be alone right now, maybe I should go to your place” Laura said. _Yes, that was exactly what they both wanted._

“Don’t worry I’m staying with her” Kirsch said with his known excitement.

“Oh, Okay… I’ll be texting you” Laura said disappointed and then started to walk out.

Carmilla was disappointed too so, she was not going to let Laura go just like that “Wait… We should go out again… sometime… if you want”

“I’d love that” Laura smiled.

If Carmilla was confused before all of this now she was having an aneurysm, she really didn’t know how to feel. First, it was the whole “gang” situation but she knew she just needed to lay low and she’d be okay for NOW. Then it was the “Laura situation” and now it was even more complicated because she’s single but there was no way Laura feels the same about her and it was way too soon to presume anything so, it was better not to even think about it.

“How’s Elle?” Kirsch asked.

“What?” Carmilla was so lost in her thoughts she didn’t even notice they were already inside a cab.

“Elle, Will’s cousin?” Kirsch said

“Yes, yes… Elle, well… she’s far”

“But Laura is near”  

“So what?” She really didn’t want to discuss it

“Come on Carm! You guys are clearly still a thing!”

_Were they? Of course they were._

“I don’t know what you are talking about” _Yes, you do_ “She’s just a friend an old friend”

“Yeah, sure a friend….”

“What’s your point?”

“My point is that, anything could happen and life’s too short and you and Laura….”

“Me and Laura what?”

“How can you explain that everything was going great between the red head and Laura until you appeared in the picture again and just when you and Elle were about to be a “thing” boom, she’s gotta go just like that, Carm that’s fate or whatever ”

“Me and Laura was long ago, kirsch.”

“Okay, if you don’t want to see it, it’s fine but I’m just saying, just… saying”

That was exactly was she was thinking, maybe it was fate after all but even if it was, she couldn’t be with her right now because it would mean put her in danger but maybe Laura didn’t care about the danger, it didn't matter anyway because Carmilla would never put her at risk.

“Okay, here it is, home sweet two weeks home” Kirsch said

There was a gunshot in the moment they came out of the car, Carmilla immediately tried to hide

“Kirsch were are you?!!”    

“Carm…”

He was lying and bleeding on the floor

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's not dead!


	6. Feel It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Right feelings at the wrong time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys I'm back with another post and there's a fun fact I'd like to share with you, I play music so I write a lot of songs and there's a part in this chapter when Laura remebers a tape Carmilla gave her with a song she wrote for her and well, that's actually one my own songs lol   
> __________  
> Again, English is not my native language so there's probably some mistakes.

 

_" I'm growing like a seed_   
_Rains been falling on me_   
_I've been covered in cold_   
_I've been shrouded and downed_   
_My heart is on a wire_   
_Sailing pretty like a bird_   
_But the hunter is out_   
_And the eagle is hurt_   
  
_The word that I_   
_Feel, feel it all_   
_Yes, I can feel_   
_Feel it all"_

 

Carmilla was in the emergency room holding Kirsch’s shirt. The first person she called was Laura, of course.

_____________

**_Two hours later_ **

_“Carm, why are you calling me this late, are you guys drunk?”_

_……_

_“Carm? … What’s that noise?... Is that an ambulance?”_

_……._

_“Carmilla?!”_

_“It’s Kirsch he’s … been shot” And then she burst into tears_

________________

Laura arrived to the hospital right after the ambulance, she tried to talk to Carmilla but she didn’t say a word and tried to hold her but Carmilla wouldn’t even move so they just sat there in silence. Until, Laura went to get some coffee.

“Carm?” Laura said offering the coffee

“Thanks” Carmilla look at her for the first time that night and then grabbed the coffee

“She speaks” Laura gave her a soft smile and sat next to her again “It’s not your fault”

“Pff.. Laura this is entirely my fault” Carmilla said while looking at the bloody shirt

“Carm..” Laura took Carmilla's hand  “It’s not your fault” 

“How can this not be my fault? I was the one who was in that fucking gang I fucked everything up.. When I left prison I thought life was giving me a second chance and for a moment I could taste happiness, for a moment I had hope but then it all went down, every fucking time I have a little bit of hope, life just hits me right in the face but I should’ve known, you know? I’m not meant to be happy” Carmilla looked away

“Carm, that’s bullshit. You are one of the most selfless, brave, beautiful person I have ever met, none of this was your fault, life has been hard for you but you’d found the strength to keep going...that’s one of the things I love… loved about you… just try to find that strength again, please”

“You were the one who gave me the strength” Carmilla looked at Laura's eyes. She noticed Carmilla had tired eyes but it wasn't the "sleepless" kind of tiredness, it was something else, Laura didn't know why but it made her feel unease, like she wanted to protect her of that feeling.

“Do it for me then” They were too close now, if Laura leans just a little forward, they'd be kissing and she does… But

“Wilson Krisch's family?” A doctor called

"YES… Yes, I'm his sister” Carmilla quickly responded

“Okay, he is stable now but you can't go to see him right now, I recommend you to wait for a few hours at least"

“But he's okay right? I mean. It's just he was bleeding so much and it hit him right in the stomach”

“He's absolutely fine, it was just superficial. The bullet didn't hit any internal organs. Plus he's young and healthy so I suggest you to go home and get some sleep, you can visit him in the morning”

“Thanks, doctor” Carmilla said and the doctor walked away

“What do you think?” carmilla turned to see Laura

“I think he's right you should go and get some rest… Do you want me to go with you?”  it had nothing to do with the almost kiss situation, she just wanted to be with Carmilla because she knew it was the right thing to do.

“I'd appreciate that”

................…..

“A what?” Carmilla said confused

“An uber”  Laura repeated for the third time

“What the fuck is that?” Carmilla said making Laura laughed

“It's just like a cab but it's easier because you can download the app from your phone”

“My what? What's an app?” Carmilla was having a really hard time trying to learned these things.

“Forget it, you'll see” 

“How much things can change in five years?” Carmilla asked

“Well… a lot, it's a lot of time, carm”

“It's so strange”

“What, technology?”

“No, it's just… sometimes I feel like five years it's not that long but then it feels like ages” Carmilla looked at Laura

“It felt like an eternity to me… sometimes it felt like I met you in a different life… like you were not part of this one… I don't know it's weird”

“Yeah, but I get it”

“Did you feel the same way?” Laura asked

“Not with you”

Laura was about to ask again but the uber arrived.

It was a silent ride.

…..............

“I'm gonna take a shower” Carmilla said

“Okay, I'll prepare something to eat”

“Alright… thanks, Laura”

“It's nothing, I want to be here”

Carmilla took an extra 30 minutes shower, the only things in her mind was Kirsch and the guilt she felt, she was so tired of feeling guilty. And there was Laura, who almost kiss her.. who's now there… in her home…  making her something to eat.

“Are you okay in there?” Laura knocked

“Yeah, I'll be out in a minute” carmilla turned off the shower and then got dress, she went down the stairs and Laura had already everything set.

“I made pasta, hope you like it” Laura smiled

“It's my favorite!”

“Oh, really? I didn't know” _she knew_

Carmilla sat at the table and took the first bite “This is delicious”

“thanks” Laura smiled and sat in front of her. “How are you doing?”

There was a silence so Laura continued “look I know you don't like to talk about your feelings but you've just lived something really awful and…”

“I'm fine… I mean the doctor said he's doing fine so I'm okay for now” Carmilla assured

“I'm glad” Laura wasn't too convinced but she didn't want to push things

They ate the rest of their food in a comfortable silence, they were both exhausted and hungry. After that Carmilla insisted that she'd do the dishes, in the meantime Laura took a shower. By the time she finished, Carmilla had already fell asleep on the couch. Laura covered her with a blanket and she remembered Danny, The same person who she was going to get married a few days ago. And she keeps wondering; Does Carmilla had anything to do with it? Truth is no, things were not going so well before either. At least Danny was happy now, she went to India “to find herself again” those were her exact words and then she left.

.........................

“Laura...Laura wake up” Carmilla said quietly, she had fell asleep in the couch next to Carmilla.

“I’m awake...I’m awake” Laura’s eyes were still closed and her voice was barely a whisper

“We gotta go see Kirsch” Carmilla tucked a strand hair behind Laura’s ear.

“Okay let’s go” Laura opened her eyes and met with Carmilla’s gazed.

“Okay” Carmilla looked away, Laura could tell she was nervous, they definitely needed to talk.

“Why don’t you call an upper? how was it, again?”

“An uber?” Laura laughed

“Yeah, whatever” Carmilla rolled her eyes.

..................

Carmilla called Will and he said he would meet them at the hospital entrance.He was already there when they arrived, he looked disoriented and had red puffy eyes.

“Hey, Will?” Carmilla said , he saw her and hugged her immediately

“How is he?” Will asked with brittle voice

“Hey hey, he’s okay now” Carmilla said grabbing his face “Let’s go see him, alright?”

“Okay”

They walked a long hall to Kirsch’s room, Carmilla was dying to see him but she let Will go in first.

 

“So, Kirsch and your boss are together?” Laura asked

“Yes, they are, Kisch got me the job, you know? otherwise I’d still unemployed, because who’d hire an ex con, right ” Carmilla said with a soft voice

“I didn’t, know. It’s a really nice job ” 

“One day I’d like to have my own bar, you know? and I would have live music and sometimes I would even perform” Carmilla loved music, it was something that it always came natural to her, everytime she sang or played something, she felt like she was coming home. She hadn’t sing or played a note since forever but she would love to do it again someday.

“I can see you doing that, I haven't heard you sing in forever, you should tell Will to do an open mic, I’d love to hear you again”

“I don’t know, I don’t think I’m prepared yet”

“Carmilla with that voice of yours, you don’t need to be prepared” Laura said in a nostalgic tone

“Thanks... maybe one day I’ll sing again”

“I still have the tape you made me” It was a tape Carmilla gave to Laura in her birthday… seven years ago. It had ten songs and the last one was an original that she wrote to Laura.

_“....Days were short, nights were long,_

_We went out and dance till’ dawn,_

_Run through the empty streets_

_and then we kissed_

_in the moonlight,_

_I Remember_

_We were so drunk once_

_You turned around and said;_

_Can we stay like this forever please?_

_You can sing all those all songs, babe_

_And I can dance while you sing…_

_We’ve never been so free,_

_And when it got cold_

_we had our own love letters to burn_

_we didn’t need them anymore…”_

 

 

“God, Why do you still have that?” Carmilla didn’t expect Laura to kept that after all those years, it was crazy.  ~~ _it wasn't really._~~

“Are you surprised?” Laura asked

“Yeah, is just when I never heard of you again I thought you hated me and you decided to erase me from your life and you’d burn all my things and shit”

“Carm, I didn’t hate you, I wanted to but I couldn’t...And I tried to visit you in prison so many times but it was so hard and then when the time passed it turned impossible. Because deep in my heart I knew you couldn’t have left me without any explanation but it was easier to believe that you did ”

“Why?”

”Because, otherwise I would have to face the fact that I was a selfish asshole”

  
“Laura... you’re many things but you are NOT a selfish asshole” They both laughed at that one “You know what I’ve learned recently?... Nothing happens without a reason and it’s crazy to think that way  because it would mean that, all the bad and awful things that happened are also part of the plan but maybe those things are there, to make us better and to teach us how to accept ourselves” Carmilla looked at Laura

“Carm.. I’ve never stopped….”

Suddenly a lot of nurses ran to Kirsch’s room and Will came out of the room yelling “KIRSCH!!”

“WHAT HAPPENED?!” Carmilla's stomach dropped

“He was fine but then he started to feel too much pain and then he… I don’t know” Will said crying and Carmilla held him

“Oh my god” Laura said

Then a medic came out and stare at them for a moment and the said “His wound was not deep but he got an infection in the last hours, we couldn't perceived it… I'm sorry”

“NO NO NO YOU TOLD US IT WAS JUST SUPERFICIAL!!” Carmilla said crying, Laura held her hand

“I’m sorry, I really I’m there was nothing we could do” And he walked away

Will sat on the floor, Carmilla let go of Laura’s hand and started to walk away.

“Carm wait!”.... “Carm, please” Laura reached her and grabbed her by the arm “Where are you going?”

“Laura, go away! I'm not good for you I’am not good for anyone!” And she ran as fast as she could, Laura tried to follow her but she lost her and decided to went back to the hospital,Will was in the same spot, she sat next to him and she called Laf but they didn't answer so she left a thousand of voicemails.

_“Laf, it’s me Laura again...Something really bad happened, Kirsch… has passed and Carmilla runaway and I'm desperately worried she may do something stupid”_

_......-.-.-.-.------_

_“Laura is that you?... what happened?!”_

_“Thank god! Laf, Kirsch was shot and… and I think Carmilla is in danger she left after she hear about Kirsch”_

_“Laura Listen to me, You need to find her before she does something and called Perry I’ll send you her number, I’m going back tonight, I’ll be there by tomorrow”_

_“Okay okay who’s Perry?”_

_“She’s her therapist, she helped Carmilla in prison, perhaps she knows where to find her”_

_“alright Laf, I’ll find her I promise”_

_“And Laura what the fuck happened?”_

_“It’s a long story, I’ll tell you when you’re back”_

 

Laura looked at Will who was next to her, she’s been holding his hand the whole time. “Will, do you want me to call anyone?”

 

“it’s okay I already called my cousin...Laura you should go find Carm, I’ll go to see Kirsch’s mother”

“Are you sure? I thought he didn’t...”

“Well as you know, he didn’t have any family but a few years ago he found his mother and they started to see each other frequently so… I’ll go see her”

“Oh, I didn’t know”

“it’s okay only Carmilla and I knew about it” 

.....................

Will went to find Kirsch’s mother and Laura went to find Carmilla, but first she needed to call Perry.

_“Hello?”_

_“Yes, who is this?”_

_“Hi, you probably don’t know me but I am carmilla’s friend and well something really bad happened and now she’s gone, I’m really desperate and I really don’t know what to do”_

_“Oh god! look, let’s meet at Carmilla’s home”_

_____________________________

 

  


An hour later Laura was already in Perry’s car looking for Carmilla but there was no sign of her

“So, you meet Carm in prison?” Laura asked

“I was her counsellor and now I’m still helping her with some issues” Perry said 

“Something happened to her in there right?” Laura knew it wasn't the right time to ask something like that but she was nervous

“She hasn’t told you?” Perry said with her eyes on the road

”No, we've just begun to talk again”

“Honey, I can’t tell you anything, I’m sorry”

“No, don’t worry I understand” Laura knew she wasn't going to get anywhere with these questions but she needed to try.

“I’m glad you are back in her life” Perry knew how much Laura meant to Carmilla

“I’m glad she’s back…. I don’t know why but I feel like I’m right where I needed to be”

“That’s called love sweety, and don't get me wrong but aren't you getting married soon?”

“No, not anymore… and well, love it’s a big word, I don't know if I'm…. CARMILLA” 

“Did you see her?”

“There!” Carmilla was in the bar’s rooftop, she was sitting playing a guitar apparently ~~ _?????????????????_~~

“You should go first” Perry said

“Okay...”

Laura got out of the car and went inside the bar and then went all the way up to the rooftop. She could hear Carmilla singing....

_"Blackbird singing in the dead of night_   
_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_   
_All your life_   
_You were only waiting for this moment to arise_   
_You were only waiting for this moment to arise"_

Carmilla felt someone touched her shoulder and stopped singing, Laura was standing in front of her know, she put the guitar aside and looked up, they locked eyes and Laura caressed Carmilla’s cheek and she closed her eyes at Laura’s touch. Then Carmilla stood up and met Laura’s gaze

She ran her fingers through laura's hair, then she leaned forwards and their lips touched, it was a gentle kiss full of longing. Laura pulled her closer again and by that time they both could feel each other’s heart pounding.

As their world melted away,

Their sadness met again

and now  they both knew

how doomed

they were about to be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you guys next sunday!   
> I'll leave my tumblr page, if you guys want to share some thoughts with me!  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/undergroundpoetry


	7. Yellow Flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of feelings and a relapse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! but here's the new chapter <3

_"Could I be a boat for you a while?_   
_Could I stay afloat for you and sail in your smile?_   
_Could I be a boat for you_   
_And ever gain this weight for you_   
_Could I be a boat for you a while?"_

"WOW..." Laura said out breath and Carmilla stepped back

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-” Carmilla said 

“Carm, it’s fine I-”

Suddenly, Carmilla spotted Perry’s car down the street

 “What is Perry doing here?"

"Oh... Laf gave me her number..." Laura hesitated

"….Why?" Carmilla frowned

"Because they were worry ... and I was worry that you’d do something …" Laura couldn’t find the words

"Stupid?" Carmilla said a bit frustrated

"Reckless" Laura clarified  

"Oh, I see..."  Okay, she was more than just frustrated she was angry because apparently no one trusted her. But could she blame them?

"Carm, look it's been an awful day and I'm really sorry for this kiss and sorry about-”

"Laura, please don't-” Carmilla really didn’t want to hear those next words

"And for Kirsch..."

"Laura, please… I don’t want to talk about it… please"

"Are you sure?" Laura knew something was wrong, she tried to take Carmilla’s hand but she just stepped back

"Perry is waiting, we should go" Carmilla said drily and walked out giving Laura no chance to respond

Carmilla got inside the car, sat behind giving Perry a polite nod, she really couldn’t tell if she was mad because of what Laura said or because Kirsch was gone, maybe it was both but truth is, everything just felt wrong. And Laura on the other hand just wanted Carmilla to feel better or safe but she always failed at that. No one spoke on the ride back.

“Carmilla” Perry turned around

“Yeah?” Carmilla said distracted, she was so stuck on her own thoughts that didn’t even notices they were already outside her house.

“This is your place, honey” Perry said

“Oh, right… thanks for the ride”

“Hey, call me if you need anything” Perry said worried

“Sure” Carmilla was about to go out…

“Carm, can we talk?” Laura finally said

“Laura, I really want to be alone-”

“But-”

“Please! Laura just leave me alone!” And she slammed the door

“Fuck! …. Oh shit, sorry Perry, shit… fuck! Ugh!” Laura said frustrated making Perry laughed   

 “Give her some time” Perry said with a friendly smile

“I know, but I just wanted to tell her that I don’t care about the kiss, I just want to be there for her, that’s all”

“Don’t worry about that, she knows that. She just… Need some time to process all of this, I mean she lost her best friend just a couple hours ago…”

“I know, I know… I just want her to know that I care… I always will”

“And you have always cared….”

Laura looked at Perry in confusion but then she accepted it “I’ve always have…. But it feels like never will be the right time to love her”

“When it comes to love. There’s no right or wrong” Perry said starting the car again.

............................................................................

 

Carmilla was lying in her bed, but she couldn’t close her eyes without seeing Kirsch bleeding on the floor. She thought about calling Laura but with the kiss and all that… it was weird… it felt weird to even feel something, when her best friend was… gone. She missed Laf, she needed someone. But then she remembered prison and all those times she felt like that, like dying but she survived. And that’s all life was about, to her.

She needed something, her anxiety was driving her mad so she got her jacket, got her keys and went outside. She just walked without know where she was going, she went inside the first store she saw and bought herself 2 bottles of vodka and package of cigarettes.

 “At least isn’t heroin” She said to herself

After walked as far as she could, she saw an abandoned building and decided to go inside. It was an awful place it was full used needles and broken bottles and had all sort of things writing on the walls _“Everything good dies in here”_ she laughed at that one and said “cheers to that”

The first sip was magical, her body was really craving for it. She sat on the floor and lighted a cigarette. Her phone started to ring.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

  ** _Unknown number_**

**_“Who is it?”_ **

**_“Kitty kitty kitty”_ **

**_“What the fu-”_ **

**_“I’m sorry about your friend but I told you, didn’t I?”_ **

**_“Fucking Carl… What the fuck do you want now?”_ **

**_“Where are you, kitty?”_ **

**_“Why?”_ **

**_“Because we need a talk, come on for the old times’ sake”_ **

**_______________________________________________________________________________________ **

 

She really didn’t know why she gave him the address but whatever right?

She was about to open the second bottle when Carl arrived

“Look who we have here…. Miss karnstein”

“Fuck you dude, don’t use my fucking last name I fucking hate it”

“Fuck you too, you little fuck!” he sat on the floor next to her “Carmilla, honey we really need to protect each other” he took the bottle from her hands and took a sip

“Hey that’s mine!” she took the bottle again

“That bullet was for you, you know?”

“Tell me something I don’t already know” She lighted up another cigarette

“Here” He took something from his pocket “You need to protect yourself kiddo” It was a gun  

“Is that… a-” Carmilla didn’t see that coming  

“Take it” He said

Carmilla doubted it for a minute but then took it “Thanks” Then her phone started to ring “Don’t say anything” she looked at Carl, he just nodded

 ____________________________________________________

**_“Laf!”_ **

**_“Hey, I’m at the airport waiting for a cab to take me home. I’m so sorry about Kirsch, Carm”_ **

**_“Oh I don’t think we should talk about that on the phone, let’s talk here... at home”_ **

**_“Of course, see you in 20”_ **

**_“See you”_ **

**__________________________________________________ **

 

“Fuck I need to get home in less than 20 minutes” She looked at Carl

“I can give you a ride” He said showing his keys

“Are you on your bike?” Carmilla used to love that motorcycle

“Yes Mam”

“Okay let’s go”

Carmilla couldn’t believe what she was doing, she was on bike with a criminal and she had a gun stuck on her pants, she would punch herself in the face if she could. But after what happened with Kirsch, everything felt different. She wanted revenge, she needed it.

……..

She came home soon enough to take a shower, brush her teeth and then she ate something to hide the booze breath, she was on the kitchen when Laf arrived, they opened the door and left their stuff on the couch going immediately to Carmilla.

“Hey… ” Laf said and then got closer to give her a hug

“Hi” Carm said a bit uncomfortable, she wasn’t used to those signs of affection “Would like some coffee?” She stepped away

“Still not a fan of affection huh? And yes I’d love some coffee”

“Hey, Laura called me to tell me that Will is doing Kirsch’s funeral tomorrow at 3” Laf said carefully, she didn’t want to make Carmilla sad

“Okay, we’ll be there at 3” Carmilla said looking away

“Why would Laura called me and not you?”

Carmilla didn’t say a word

“Carm, I’m sorry I know you’re not in the mood to talk about that, I’m sorry!”

“No, it’s okay… Um, we kissed and then it got weird…. And of course it would! I mean, Kirsch… is gone and I can’t think about anything else” Carmilla was looking at her cup of coffee

“You’re right, and I don’t wanna be THAT person but… Carm, she really cares about you and you really care about her… and after all that had happen I just think life is too short to push the ones we love away…”

“But what if I’m scared?” Carmilla looked up

“Aren’t we all?” _They were right._

……..........................................................................…

When they arrived to the cemetery Carmilla realized that she had never been in one, she never thought that Kirsch would be the reason why she would go there. The place was grey and the sky looked like it was about to rain, it was really cold and it was full of people some of them she knew, others were just strangers. Suddenly someone grabbed her arm and took her by surprise making her clinched her fist-

“Laura, I almost-“  

“Hit you in the face?” Laura finished her sentence, looking to Carmilla’s fist.

“I’m sorry”

“I know” Laura said

“Hey can I talk to you?” Carmilla said with an apologetic face   

“Yeah of course”                                     

Carmilla leaded Laura far from the group of people

“Before you say anything I want to tell you that, the kiss didn’t mean anything, okay?” Laura said

“But….It did, it meant everything” Carmilla took her hand

“What?” Laura looked at their interlaced fingers

“I’m sorry I was such an asshole earlier but I’ve realized that I like you, I care about you and I know it’s risky but fuck it…. And I know you probably don’t even want me but I needed to say it out loud” Carmilla was looking at Laura but now she was looking down

Laura didn’t say anything and Carmilla was having a panic attack “I’m sorry it was dumb… I’m such a mess in these type of things… I’m -” Carmilla stepped back

Laura interrupted her with a gentle kiss “Shhh, I know I know” she murmured into Carmilla’s lips

“I … I really like you” Camilla said with a smile

“I really like you too, but...” Laura stepped back a little “You need to stop pushing me away, I want be there when it gets hard, I know you are scared I am too, but we’ll figure it out, together okay?”  

“Okay” Carmilla gave her a smile

“Okay, let’s go back to the others”

“Okay, let’s go” Carmilla took Laura’s hand and they went to where Laf and now Perry were, who were looking at them from afar

“Wow, should I ask?” Laf said looking at Laura’s and Carmilla’s hands

“No, you shouldn’t” Carmilla said sarcastically, she also noticed that Perry was looking at her with a strange look

“Carmilla, can we talk?” Perry said with a suspicious look

“Yeah, of course” They walked away while Laura and Laf were talking

.............................................................

 

“Carmilla, have you been drinking?” Perry asked

“What are you talking about??” She wasn’t expecting that

“Oh, come on, you have bags under your eyes and you’re sweating like you’ve been running a marathon, I know the signs of a relapse”

“Of course you do…” Carmilla said with a frown and looked away

“Why?” Perry said

“I was hurt… I am hurt, I was mad at myself so…” She was still looking away

“You punished yourself by drinking again” She’d always felt like Perry could read her mind

“Don’t tell anyone… please” Carmilla was now looking at Perry’s eyes  

“I won’t but you need to promise me that if you ever have relapse again you’ll at least call me”

“Deal-“Carmilla said, suddenly Perry looked behind her and then back at her, Carmilla turned around to see what was going on and-

“ELLE” Carmilla said in shock

“Carm…”

“I’ll leave you two alone…” Perry said and then she quickly disappeared  

“I, Um…. Will told me what happened, I’m so sorry” Elle said and walked closer to give Carmilla a hug

“Thanks for coming” She really didn’t know what to say but the hug wasn’t bother her at all

“Elle, I need to tell you something…” Carmilla felt the need to tell her about Laura

“It’s about you and Laura, isn’t?” Elle said with a half sad smile

“Yeah… How did you know?” Carmilla frowned

“Well, first of all she’s here and when I was coming to talk to you she gave me the look”

“The look?” Carmilla laughed

“Yeah, the “Don’t talk to her, she’s with me” look” She laughed

“Oh… So we are okay?” Carmilla said unsure

“Of course! What we had was fun and cute but you guys clearly still have something going on”

“You’re cooler than I thought” Carmilla gave her a long hug and then they walked away, Carmilla went to Laura who was looking a bit jealous and Elle went to Will

“Wow, so how’s Elle?” Laf joked

“She’s fine, thanks Laf and it was nothing we just needed to clarify some stuff” She said while looking at Laura

“Some stuff?” Laura said

“Yeah, the “I’m with you now” kind of stuff” Carm said and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead

  “Hmmm…Fair enough” Laura said with a frown

.................................................................

 

When the coffin was on the ground a lot of people throw roses and letters at it, Carmilla had never understand those things until then, because she would have loved to do the same but she felt like she couldn’t move, it felt like everything was happening around her but she was just an hologram or just air, the only thing she was able to feel was Laura’s hand wrapped on hers. It just didn’t felt real.

After the funeral everyone was heading to Will’s bar but Carmilla wanted to take Laura somewhere else.

“So, are you sure you don’t want to go to the Bar with the others?” Laura said

“Yes, I’m sure. I want to remember Kirsch doing the things that he loved” Carmilla assured

“Okay… And what exactly is that?”

“Well, first of all we are going to play mini golf and the bowling and we’ll finish the day with a good old scary movie” Carmilla smiled

 “I love how that sounds” Laura smiled back

Carmilla took Laura by the hand and they walked down the street. Despite the circumstances, they were fine, together they were safe. While they were walking Laura laughed at Carmilla silly jokes and she would touch her nose and everyone could see how in love they were and they both knew it too. _But of course neither of they would ever tell_ , that’s something that would always happen between them, their love was so obvious but at the same time it was so secret and sometimes too hard it’d felt like fate was tearing them apart. But in that moment they were happy.

No one noticed when the rain started falling.

“Shit!” Carmilla said annoyed

“NOOO” Laura tried to cover her head with her hands

“What do we do now?”  Carmilla asked

“I think we should skip the golfing and bowling and go straight to the movie” Laura said

“Okay, but I think we should do it in the fun way” Carmilla raised her eyebrow

“And what way that would be?”

“We should go to your place… running”

“What??!... My place is at least 6 blocks from here and this is not even a rain is like tsunami!” Laura said looking at the sky

“Oh come on!” Carmilla said

“I hate you!”

“No, you don’t” Carmilla started running slowly “Come on!”

Laura came closer to her and whispered in her ear “Race you” she said and then she gave her a quick kiss on the cheek to then run as fast she could.

While they were running, the time stopped it was like they were alone in a universe full of people and the worries and insecurities were not as important as that moment. They arrived soaking wet to the apartment, Laura was opening the door while Carmilla was wrapping her arms around her waist.

Laura  finally managed to open, they got inside and then she immediately closed the doors behind her, she walked towards Carmilla and wrapped her hands around her neck  and their lips met again, Carmilla leaned forwards pushing Laura against the wall to then lifted her up and Laura wrapped her legs around Carmilla’s waist

“Take me to my room” Laura managed to say between breaths

“Where’s it?”  They both laughed

“Right… it’s my house it’s over there” Laura pointed the second door next to the kitchen. They made it to the room and Carmilla lay Laura gently on the bed

“Are you sure about this?” Carmilla asked

“I am”

Carmilla was on top kissing Laura’s neck while her hands wandered Laura’s body, Laura tried to pull out Carmilla’s shirt

“Wait…” Carmilla said while she shifted and now she was sitting on the edge of the bed

“Carm, what’s wrong?” Laura said while she kissed Carmilla’s back

“I don’t know... I mean I do know-” Carmilla was looking down at her hands

“Is it Kirsch?” Laura said

“No…” Carmilla turned around to see Laura’s eyes “Remember when I told you about what I did in prison?”

“Yes… why?” Laura was holding Carmilla’s hand now

“Well--” Carmilla clenched her jaw and looked away

“Hey, it’s okay it’s me, remember?” Laura caressed her cheek

“That woman wanted to kill me, she even put a knife on my throat-”

“Oh my god-” Laura couldn’t believe what she was hearing  

“But then she looked up and down to me and said… she was going to…. have a little a fun first” Carmilla looked away and Laura started to cry

“Oh my god, what happened Carm?”

“I pushed her away and I started to hit her on the face until…. I don’t know, I almost killed her but I don’t remember a thing … I don’t know why that came to my mind, I’m sorry”

“Carm…” Laura lifted Carmilla’s chin “Look at me… It’s okay, I don’t care if we don’t… do anything I just want you to be okay and feel safe” Laura dried a tear off her face

“I always feel safe with you… There’s one more thing, though… But I don’t want you to get mad okay?” Carmilla didn’t know why she was about to tell her that but she proceeded

“Carm, come on you know I can’t be mad at you” Laura gave her a soft smile

“I… slept with Elle but that thing didn’t came to my mind…. And it’s going to sound awful but maybe it was because it was just sex… but with you, it’s different… I don’t know”

“Okay… first ouch!” Laura joked “But maybe you’re right maybe and this is different and that’s why I want to give you all the time you need… I don’t care about Elle I care about you… And like I said, I want you to feel safe” Laura wrapped her arms around Carmilla and then kissed her forehead

“I think, we should put some dry clothes” They had totally forgot about their wet clothes

“OH! OF COURSE WE SHOULD! Come on I’ll let you wear my pink pajama”

“Oh no!!” Carmilla said with a disgusted face

Laura stood up and took Carmila’s hand “Come on!”

 

...............................................

 

Carmilla slept in her arms

In her house

In her bed

Feeling her heart,

She felt safe

And Carmilla for the first time in a long time had a quite night sleep.

 

 

_"You are the yellow flower of my youth_   
_The scent of nothing wasted_   
_With little left to prove_   
_Oh graceful evergreen you take me_   
_Over hill I've ever been_   
_And others, just illusions_   
_Only seeming to be_   
_Falling at your feet in sheer joy that you were able to_   
_Receive me like a favorite chair_   
_Soaking up the tears if by magic it'll make me_   
_Ever warmer even after you're not here"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post soon (:


	8. Tightrope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back<3

_“Hold on, I know you're scared_   
_But you're so close to heaven_   
_Eyes shut tight_   
_Just pretend you're like a feather_

_Flew down the clouds together_   
_But don't look down, not ever_   
_Don't ask why_   
_Just look out unto forever_

_All this time_   
_You're just tryin' not to lose it_   
_You can always learn to fly_   
_You never do until you do it”_

 

 

 

Carmilla smiled after seeing Laura sleeping next to her “Laura, Laura” she said softly

“No, no the black cat again” Laura murmured

“What?” Carmilla laughed and gave her a kiss on the forehead “It’s time to wake up, I gotta get to work”

Laura barely opened her eyes “MMMmmm…. Good morning” She grumbled.

Carmilla sat and stretched her arms, and looked back to Laura “Are you reeeeally awake?”

Laura sat next to her with her eyes half closed and yawned “What time is it?”

“It’s eight o’clock… I think” All of the sudden Laura jumped out of bed

“I’m so late!!!” Laura walked right to the closet “I’M SO FIRED!”

Carmilla was enjoying Laura’s suffering in silence “Oh, don’t laugh!” Laura looked back at her 

“I'm not laughing! I’m just enjoying the view” Carmilla looked at Laura who was now only wearing her underwear “Yeah sure” Laura said

Carmilla got up and hugged Laura from behind and kissed her neck “I gotta go too” She stepped back, Laura turned around and wrap her arms around Carmilla’s neck “Good luck” She gave her a quick kiss and suddenly Carmilla looked away

“What’s wrong?” Laura asked

“Nothing... It’s just hit me that I’m going to see Will and I don’t know how to act around him or what to say really”

“You don’t need to say or do anything, you just have to try to be there for him” Laura’s arms were still resting in Carm’s shoulders, Carmilla wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist and they stayed like that for a few seconds “Thank you” Carmilla said and leaned forwards to give her another kiss.

“When am I going to see you again?” Laura said against Carmilla’s neck

“Hmm… What about tonight? Or is it too soon?” Carmilla narrowed her eyes

“Who cares if it’s too soon, I’d be with you the whole day if I could” Laura said with a smile

“Tonight then, at my place?”

“At your place” Laura gave her a quick kiss

“It’s a date then” Carmilla winked

……………………….

The bar was a mess, Carmilla has been cleaning all morning. Will has not shown up in all day and he’s not answering his phone either so she’s starting to get worried. Suddenly she remembered that Elle was in town, so she probably knows something. Carmilla was about to call her but Laura came to her mind but Elle was now her friend, right? And besides, it’s about Will.

She took her phone and called her

\----

_“Carm?”_

_“Elle! Yeah, it’s me... Hey I was calling because I’m at the bar and I haven’t seen Will around here, do you know something?”_

_“Ooooh yes! He’s with me I should’ve called you, I forgot today was already Monday”_

_“It’s okay, I just wanted to know if he was okay… is he?”_

_“I don’t know… At least he’s safe now…  He got too drunk last night it was a mess, thank god he called me…”_

_“At least he’s with you now. I’ll take care of things here, so he don’t have to worry about it”_

_“Thanks… Hey, Carm?”_

_“Yes?”_

_“How are you doing?”_

_“I… I don’t know, to be completely honest”_

_“Do you want to talk about it?”_

_“No… not on the phone at least, thanks though”_

_“I’m here for you, you know that, right?”_

_“Of course…Thank you”_

_“Always…Um... I gotta go, Will’s up”_

_“Okay…Bye”_

_“Bye Carm”_

_\--------_

 

After that call, Carmilla couldn’t help but think about Kirsch, she knew it wasn’t her fault but there was a part of her that felt like it was, because she was the one who they’re looking for, they wanted her dead.

She kept dealing with those feeling all day.

Her day was coming to an end so she went to get her stuff to then close the bar. She needed distraction so she decided to walk home. It was a quiet night, the breeze felt nice.

……………..

She opened the door trying to be silent, she didn’t want to wake up Laf but suddenly she noticed that there was noise coming from the kitchen, she heard two voices

“Laf?” Carmilla said

“Carm, look who came to visit!” Laf said

Carmilla went to the kitchen, and it was Laura. she have totally forgot about their date “Oh, Laura I’m so sorry I completely forgot” she got close and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead

“Hey, it’s okay… I bet today was really complicated” Laura caressed her cheek

“Yeah, it was” Carmilla sat next to Laura

“You must be hungry” Laf said

“Not really, I ate something on my way back” That was a lie, but she was still feeling a knot in the stomach  

“How was Will?” Laf asked

“He didn’t showed up to work… But I talked to Elle on the phone and he’s okay, he’s with her”

“At least he’s not alone” Laura crossed her arms, she didn’t know why but knowing that Carm and Elle were still in touch, made her feel a bit off. She knew that was stupid because they’re not teenager anymore, they’re adults and they can have good relationships with their exes, but does Carm even considered Elle an ex? They were together for such a short time and- 

“Guys, I’m going to bed, I’m exhausted have a nice night” Laf said bringing Laura back to reality

“Okay, have a nice night Laf” Carmilla and Laura said at the same time, the three of the laughed 

“At the same time, huh?” Laf said

“Well…” Carmilla looked at Laura and smiled

…………………………………….

Laura was lying on Carmilla’s bed while Carm was taking a shower, they decided to watch a movie after so, Laura was trying to pick one from Netflix

“Laura?” Carmilla was calling her from the bathroom

“Yeah?”

“I forgot the towel, Can you bring me one please?”

Laura laughed “Of course you forgot, where are the towels?”

“In the dresser”

Laura pushed herself up and out of bed and went to the dresser, it was messy and full of clothes, something at the bottom catches her attention, it was a kind of tube sticking out of a folded bandana, she lifted it out, unwrapped it… it was gun

“What the hell?” Laura murmured to herself

“Laura I’m freezing!”

“Coming” Laura said looking at the gun in her hands, quickly she put it back as she had found it and then took the towel and went to the bathroom

Knocks…

“It’s open” Carmilla said

Laura opened the door, Carmilla was still in the shower and she left the towel on the cabinet and got out immediately. _Why would Carmilla have a gun? Laura thought_ , she sat on the edge of the bed thinking the worst of the scenarios, she was so caught in her thoughts that she didn’t noticed Carmilla coming out of the bathroom

“Did you pick a movie?” Carmilla said drying her hair with the towel

“Yeah...” Laura took the remote and picked the first thing she saw

“Sense8, but I’ve already watched the two seasons” Carmilla said

“Me too but I wanna watch it again” Laura said without looking at her

“But why don’t you just pick a movie instead?” 

“I wanna watch this okay!” Laura yelled, Carmilla looked at her with a frown

“Okay, what’s going on here?”

“I just… I’m a bit stressed because of work, that’s all” Laura said

"Okay ..." Carmilla said while lay down on the bed, Laura mimicked her moves.

They were half way the first episode when Carmilla noticed something was clearly wrong, Laura wouldn't even looked at her and she was so far at the other edge of the bed that she was about to fall.

And then, Carmilla got it _“Of course” She murmured_

 “You saw the gun” Her eyes still on the screen

“Yes, Carmilla I saw the fucking gun!” Laura sat straight on the bed, Carmilla did the same

“Laura, I’m sorry” Carmilla glanced at her

“No, no, no! because you always do that, you always hide things from me and then expect me to forgive you over and over again” Laura was about to cry

“Hey, hey, hey” Carmilla moved closer “It’s not mine, I swear” She cupped Laura’s face with both hands “I swear”

“Whose is it, then?”

“Carl’s”

Laura moved away “Why would Carl give you a gun?”

“Because he said the bullet that killed kirsch was for me, they’re looking for us” Carmilla looked away

“Why wouldn’t you say something?! I can help you, Laf can help you, so can Perry!” Laura stood up and Carmilla kept silent

“Carmilla, say something!”

Carmilla aggressively ran her fingers through her hair and then stood up, turned around to face Laura and said “I…I’m so fucking tired” there it was, she was feeling the weight of her feeling and the weight of the world all in this moment

A teardrop rolled by her cheek, Laura got closer to her and wrapped her arms around her shoulders

“I know, I know” Laura said cupping Carm’s face “Come” she lead her to the bed, they lay down “Come here” Laura opened her arms so Carmilla could lay on her chest

“I can hear your heart” Carmilla said while Laura ran her fingers through her hair

“Carm I…-”

“I Know” Carmilla interrupted “You need to know if I’ve changed… really changed and Laura I swear… For our own love that is the most precious thing I have.  I have changed, but I didn't expect all of this to happen, I thought everything was going to be better after prison but it’s even more fucked up”

“Carm, I need you to understand that even though I may have doubted it for a moment because of the gun and all, you’ve changed and that’s the greatest thing that can happen to a person and I think “change” it’s not the exact word for it. you being different now, it doesn’t mean that you were bad in the past, you were just different and just a kid, now you’ve learned, you know life and how it works, stop punishing yourself over things that you cannot longer change and what happened with Kirsch, it was terrible and I feel your pain and it hurts so much, but it wasn’t your fault, you had no idea, you couldn’t have. So honey, please don’t let this change you, don’t let this crush you, you are so much stronger than you think” Laura glanced at Carmilla and they both felt something so powerful in their chest, it was inexplicable. Because of that feeling Carmilla decided to tell Laura about her relapsed so she moved away and sat straight and looked at the girl next to her

“Carm what’s wrong?” Laura said confused

“I need to say something, it’s more of a confession and I don’t want you to get mad or-”

“Carm, I can’t promise you I won’t be mad but I can promise you that I’m not going anywhere” Laura smiled

“I had... Some kind of… relapsed”

Laura stomach dropped “Okay…What kind of relapsed” She said with a blank expression

“I mean I didn’t had heroin or anything like that, I drank a lot and after that I felt awful… I walked for hours and I went inside a building, it was a shit place but I drank there and Carl called, and I told him where I was I don’t why”

“And then he gave you the gun” Laura said looking at Carm

“Yes, he said that I needed to protect myself”

“Thank you for telling me…” Laura genuinely said and Carmilla looked down

“Hey” Laura said taking Carm’s hand “I know how hard you can be on yourself but I want you to think for a second about all the things that had happened lately, Elle, me… Kirsch, it’s way too much I don’t blame you if you had one or three bottles but I know you’re going to fight hard as hell to not do it again and if it gets hard I’ll be there, I want to be there to take your hand”

Carmilla moved closer and their lips met, it was different, it was intimate, Laura broke away for a few seconds to lie down on the bed, Carmilla leans down to kiss her lightly, she could feel Laura’s hand sliding along her ribs, now the kiss turns into something more passionate because it had been so long since they were together like this, they needed it, they craved each other without putting that much attention to it, they got rid of their clothes. Carmilla slides down Laura’s body kisses her belly and moves down her body, Laura looks up the ceiling and suddenly she felt everything around her, everything was brighter and nothing made sense except for the heat that was going through her body, as Carmilla moved deep, Laura felt like her blood was leaving body, she moans softly and pulls Carmilla up to her mouth, they kiss passionately, Laura’s body seemed to melt against Carmilla’s, they couldn’t get close enough. _“I want you”_ Laura said, her eyes were dark, full of a burning desire, Carmilla kissed her neck and then Laura closes her eyes, as Carmilla’s fingers were sliding between her tights, and there was that heat again moving through her, Laura was lost on the most exquisite feeling. The entire world could vanish and she wouldn’t care, she was fearless in that moment everything was possible her body seemed to raise in those widening circles. Her mind was far away but there was one thing clear and it was Carmilla, “I love you” she wanted to say but instead she trembled in ecstasy, she collapsed in Carmilla’s arms and then she felt her mouth smiling on her own.

They lie exhausted, side by side. Laura propped herself on one elbow and stroking Carmilla’s abdomen said, “Sooo, this is what I’ve been missing” Carmilla covered her face with her hands and laughed.

Later that night Laura fell asleep in Carmilla’s arms.

**_THE MORNING AFTER_ **

Laura woke up first, she looked up to see Carm who was still asleep. Everything felt different, everything was brighter and clearer. Even though they haven’t said it, they both knew it, everyone knew it; they loved each other, perhaps they’ve always had.

“Look who woke up first” Carmilla said

“Hey” Laura was still clung to her

“How did you sleep?” Carmilla asked

“Pretty good” Laura smiled “How about you?”

“Well, I haven't slept this good in ages”

“You’re welcome then”

“Oh honey, I think it’s the other way around” Carmilla flips over so she’s on top, Laura giggles, then she takes Laura hand and pressed her palm to her face, “her skin is soft”, Laura thought. Carmilla looked into her eyes and said

“I love you” There it was, so simple yet so powerful

“I love you too”

Carmilla leaned down and kiss her.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you soon !


	9. Metal Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey here's a new chapter!

_"Metal heart you're not hiding_  
_Metal heart you're not worth a thing"_

 

Carmilla was serving drinks to the only two people  in the bar. It was a slow night. One of them a middle age man, looks at her saying  “In love? huh?”  _ Carmilla blushed _ “What?” 

“You got the biggest smile I’ve seen in years” He said

Camilla giggles “Yes… I guess, I am”

Suddenly someone else comes  in, it was a woman in her thirties fancy looking, familiar face. She sat a few chairs away from Carmilla, who was looking at her with curiosity

“Excuse me” Carmilla said to the man and walked towards this woman

“Good night, what would you like to drink?”

“Whisky” The woman smiled at her

Carmilla narrowed her eyes and turned around to look for a bottle

“You don’t even remember me, do ya?” The woman said

Carmilla turned around. Fixed her gaze on this woman...  “No way...” She smiles “MATTIE!”

“took you long enough” 

“Oh my god! I haven’t see you in seven or eight years?? How are you? You look SO different, you amazing!” Carmila said in amazement.

________________________________

**FLASHBACK**

 

_ “What took you so long!?, I’m dying over here” Mattie said   _

_ “I got other clients besides you. And  jack has been paranoid as fuck lately. Why is so cool in here?” Carmilla  rubs her hands together _

_ Mattie’s home was an old place and the only thing her mother  left to her after she passed. Mattie couldn’t take it and later she found heroin or heroin found her. Either way, she was one of Carmilla’s best clients.                              _

_ Carmilla was about to give her the drugs. She steps back “You can stop, you know?” _

_ “And you’re the one talking” Mattie grabs the package from Carmilla’s hands  _

_ “I know I’m not exactly a role model but… I just” Carmilla looked down   _

_ “Feel guilty” Mattie looks up “ come sit” _

_ Carmilla do as she’s told _

_ “This” Mattie looks at the bag “It’s my decision and I know it’s fucked up but it helps... Believe it or not”  _

_ “Helps with what exactly?” Carmilla frowned  _

_ “Pain… Perhaps you’re too young to understand pain... How old are you by the way?” _

_ “Fifteen”  _

_ “Oh my dear Lord, you’re a child! How bad did your parents screw it up for you to be a motherfucking dealer??” They both laughed  _

_ “Actually ...I don’t have parents, I mean I have but I’ve never met them”  _

_ There was a paused _

_ “Why are you doing this? I mean, you’re not doing yourself a favor with what you doing now” Mattie said _

_ “I know but this is all I know, these people kind of save me” _

_ “Kind of?” Mattie try to look at Carmilla but she was looking away _

_ “I was in foster care, I had friend but they were adopted and I just couldn’t take it anymore, it was an awful place and without them it just got worse” _

_ “And how old were you at that time?” Mattie have always felt certain closeness with Carmilla, it was hard to explain but they both could feel it.  _

_ “I was eleven when I escaped… Jack and his girlfriend found me one night freezed to death and starved” Carmilla shook her head as she remembered that night. She almost die that night.  _

_ “Oh God” Mattie reaches her hand “But you know there’s other choices, right?” _

_ “Now, look who’s talking”  _

_ “Tell you what, you go out of there and I stop”  _

_ “You’re full of shit”  _

_ “I’m serious” _

_____________________________________________

 

“It’s been such a long time, how you’ve been?” Carmilla said 

“I’ve been great”  Mattie took a sip of her glass

“You seem really great” 

“Well, thank you… How are you?” Mattie asked with a more serious look

“Fine” Carmilla nod and looked away

“I heard that you…” Matiie didn’t want to say it 

“That I was in prison? How did you  find out?” Carmilla raised her eyebrow 

“I’m a public defender I always between prison and court”  

“WHAT! Mattie that’s great. Laws, huh—“

“Hard to believe I know”

“No, not at all. I’m just surprised” Carmilla had a strange feeling, she was so happy for mattie but also a bit jealous not in a bad way, she just felt like maybe herself could had also be someone.

“Well.. so tell me, how life’s going?”

“For the most part has been fine but-” She paused and there was that guilt again.

“I know about your friend. I’m so sorry. They’re investigating, you know?” 

“I hope they find those bastards” Suddenly her guilt became anger.

“Any ideas on who could’ve been?”  Mattie was sure Carmilla knew something but she was hoping Carmilla wasn’t involved.

Carmilla didn’t know if sharing the information Carl told her, was a great idea. The fear of ending back in prison, terrified her. But it was Mattie and she trusted her.

“To be honest with you Carl told me about Jack going out and all, he said something about ours old enemies. First I thought it was just a bunch of crap but Later… Kirsch was shot and--” 

Mattie frowned “What?”

“I shouldn’t have told you” Carmilla shook her head

“No, it’s not that. Carmilla Jack is still in prison”

“What? But Carl told me he escaped!” Carmilla fell into spiral of confusion 

“No, he’s stuck there for the next 50 years and Carl is on probation” Mattie massaged her temples and closed her eyes for a second, then she straightened and crossed her arms. 

Carmilla hands were shaking “Why would he lied...Why would he-... Of course.” Everything made sense now

“Did you make a deal?” Mattie asked 

“Yes… I told the police everything I knew, names of everyone involved, everything... And in exchange they lowered my sentence”  Carmilla shakes her fist

“Jack was the one who sent Carl to…”  She didn’t want to say it.

“To kill me” Carmilla clenched her jaw 

“You need to call the police now” Mattie looked at her straight in the eye

“I can’t”

“Carmilla you and all the people around you are in danger. You know what, I’ll call the police” Mattie took her phone from her purse, Carmilla touched Mattie’s hand 

“Mattie please don’t. Just give me some time and I will, I promise” Carmilla looked at her with pleading eyes 

Mattie’s phone starts to ring, she looks at Carmilla and then back at the phone and answered it  _ “Yes…Okay… Of course” She hangs _

“It was from work, I gotta go.  But Carmilla, if anything happens you call me first, you got that?” Mattie got up from her chair and walked to the door

“Thanks” She said but Mattie was already gone.

Carmilla was scared, she was afraid of going back, she was terrified for Laura and Laf. She didn’t want to call the cops, she was an ex con and also had a gun, the gun... , why’d Carl giver her one? Maybe to make the whole story more convincible. Her mind was mess but she needed to tell Laura about this. 

She was cleaning  to then closed the bar. Suddenly  someone opens the doors

“Hey we’re closed!” She turns around

“Woah…. Someone is mad” Elle said  

“Elle… Sorry, I didn’t thought it was you” 

“It’s okay, I just came to get some Will’s stuff” 

“Oh, of course and how is he?” Carmilla really wanted to know about Will but her mind was anywhere but there

“Better, thanks for taking care of things around here” Elle tried to look at her eye but Carmilla just looked away

“It’s fine I love to help and I love Will, so...” She was too distracted, she even didn’t noticed her hands were shaking

Elle stepped closer to her “Hey.. what’s going on? You seem to be anywhere but here”

_ Carmilla kept silent _ “You can tell me anything. You know that, right?” Elle said

Carmilla sat on chair and Elle sat next to her. “So..?” Elle said

_ And Carmilla told her everything _

“Fuck” Elle said

“Yep” 

“You need to call the police”

“I know I know but I’m so fucking scared” Carmilla looked at her in the eyes

“So, what’s the plan?” Elle asked

“Get Carl and take him to the police, I don’t really know” Carmilla let out a nervous laugh

“That’s a terrible plan but I get you I mean you don’t want to go back to prison, right?”

“Yeah… Hey I need to go to see Laura. Take all the time you need here” 

“Okay, take care” Elle nudge her and looked at her “I mean it”

“Okay...”

Carmilla walked to the door

               ………………………………

 

She haven’t had this feeling in such a long time, she was terrified but at the same time she was so angry.

Laura’s apartment was around the corner. There was a car parked outside the small building, her heart stopped for a second. She run to the entrance then made her way up  to the stairs. All sort of things were going through her mind. She finally made it to Laura’s floor, she walks faster to get there soon but at the end of the hall there was Danny and Laura talking in the doorway, she stops as she sees them. Suddenly she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. 

Danny steps closer to Laura and kisses her. Something inside Carmilla was burning. She turns around and goes back to the stairs, and without noticed it, she was back on the streets again. She didn’t know what to think, what was Laura thinking? Why would she do something like that? What about their relationship? There was a psychopath trying to kill her and now this. If before her mind was a mess, now it was gone. 

Suddenly she realized she was standing outside the bar, she goes inside and goes to grab a bottle. She goes up to the stairs. Knocks the door. Elle opens.

“Oh god, Carm what happened?” Elle touches her face

Carmilla steps closer and kisses her, Elle kisses her back and they go inside the room, they were still kissing each other Carmilla grabs her and Elle wraps her legs around her waist. The bottle hits the floor and spills. Carmilla take Elle to the bed, they kiss with lust. Elle takes her shirt, Carmilla does the same. 

………………………………………………...

They were now laying on the bed, Carmilla was looking at the ceiling. Thinking about everything, there’s someone trying to kill her, Laura and Danny’s kissed, she’ve just had sex with Elle.

“So… Do you want to talk about it?” Elle said

“Not really” Carmilla looked at her “I’m sorry”

“For what?” Elle frowned 

“This, I shouldn’t have… You know” 

“Oh honey, could you please stop torturing yourself with the things you do?” She gets closer and wraps her arm around Carmilla’s chest

“Yeah, I think you’re right I should stop”

Her phone rings again... And it was Laura… Again she has been calling her the whole time

“So you’re not answering again?” Elle says 

“Nope”

“As good as this was, I think we should go I need to check on Will and you need to get some rest”

“Yeah, you're right"

 

                                                                                       .............................................................

 

Carmilla finally arrives home, she opens the door and there was no lights on, so that meant that Laf was either sleeping or working or perhaps with Perry. Yeah that was strange, they were so different but they somehow worked well together and Carmilla was happy for them, even though, they were always trying to hide it but the chemistry was pretty obvious. 

She goes up to her bedroom, she looks for the gun and takes it to the nightstand, she was freaking out but also exhausted, so sleeping with a gun, was the only option.

                                                                                                                   ..............................................

 

**EARLIER THAT NIGHT**

 

Laura was reading in the couch when the doorbell rang, she smiles and goes quickly thinking it was Carmilla.  

“Oh my God, Danny?” She couldn’t believe what she was seeing

“HEY! Did you miss me?” Danny smiles 

“This is unexpected” Laura looks at her in confusion  

Danny leaned forwards and kissed her but Laura breaks the kiss  immediately

“WOAH.... WOAH Danny what the hell!? Oh my god, just get inside” laura grabs Danny’s arm to bring her inside

“Laura I’m sorry, I’m just excited to see you” Danny sits on  the couch

“You need to chill fOR A SECOND OR AN HOUR! Because I’ll remind you that you were the one who cheat on me and then you went on a trip to search for you soul or whatever and now you’re suddenly back… And I’m not even sure why!” Laura was walking in circles 

“Well, when you say it like that, it makes me look like an asshole” Danny leaned back on the couch

“Well, that’s what happened so…” Laura run agresevelly her fingers through her hair, frustrated.

“Yeah, I know I just when I was there I just realized how stupid I was for doing that to you, you’re so amazing and I was so excited to see you that when you opened the door it felt just like old days. And I thought that maybe, perhaps… we could… you know…” Danny got up and stood in front of Laura

“No, no that’s not how it works. You can’t pretend just because you’ve realized how shitty you were I’m going to suddenly go back into your arms and everything would be okay again. I’m not a gift from your parents that you search only when you are bored”

Danny didn’t say anything 

“Look” Laura sat on the couch and looked up to  Danny “Things have changed… I’m seeing someone” Laura felt a sudden rush as she said that

Danny kept silent 

“Danny, I’m really sorry” Laura held Danny’s hand and she sat next to her

“Laura, it’s fine really, you’re right… About everything. It’s just,  when you have rich parents, you grow up thinking you can have anything you want… And that sounded awful but I know you got the idea”

They both laughed 

“Yeah I do, I do know what you mean”

“Are you okay? With her I mean?” Danny looked at her 

“Who are you talking about?” Laura felt nervous

“Oh God, Laura come on! Carmilla! I may be an ass but not stupid” She smiled

“You are not an ass and yes I think we are okay” Every Time she remembered Carmilla she'd feel some kind of warm in her chest

“I’m happy for you” Danny said

“Hey, what about you? what are you going to do now?”

“Well to be honest I want to keep traveling but I needed some stuff so…”

Laura gave her a nudge “Damn you!! You just came here because you needed your stuff” They both were laughing now

After that Danny went to get her stuff and said goodbye to Laura, wished her the best for Carmilla and her and then she went away again. Laura closed the door turned around and grabbed her phone 

“Carm where the hell are you” She murmured to herself. She checks her phone again and decides to call her one more time but nothing happened

_ “Carm, it’s me again. I’m in the apartment waiting for you.  It’s pretty late I’m starting to get worried so please call me” _

Another hour passed and now Laura was thinking the worst so she decided to go to her house

………………………………….…

Carmilla woke up when she heard someone oppening the entrance door, and now they were now coming up the stairs. Now someone was opening the her bedroom door so she grabs the gun and points it right to the door 

“GOD!” Laura draws back

“Fuck!” Carmilla puts back the gun on the nightstand 

“What the fuck!” She walks towards the bed

“I’m sorry, you scared me!” Carmilla sat on the bed

“What’s matter with you? You were sleeping with a gun!” Laura points out to the gun resting on the table, sighs and sits on the bed next to Carmilla

“Carm what’s going on?” 

“I don’t know, you tell me” Carmilla clenches her jaw

“What??” Laura furrowed brow

“Oh come ‘on I saw you and your ex, are you going back together, is that it?” Carmilla couldn’t look at her in the eyes but it was because she was feeling guilty because of Elle. 

Oh God no!” She pausses  “ Fuck, You saw us together, didn’t you? Of course you did… Carm listen, it was nothing, okay? She was just back to get some stuff, she kissed me and I immediately stopped it because….. you know! She was just being Danny but we talked it out she knows I’m with you, she already went away again” Laura touched Carmilla’s cheek “I love you, remember?”

And that was it, Carmillas stomach dropped and now she was thinking clearly, of course Laura wouldn’t do that to her but her mind  was/is so messed up. She was feeling awful. But Laura didn’t deserved a lie.

“Laura can we talk?” She looked at her eyes and her heart stopped there was so much kindness in Laura’s eyes, it made her feel even worse 

“Of course what’s going on?” Laura smiled

“Well there’s two things” Carmilla couldn’t see her in the eyes, it was too much.

“Good or bad ?” Laura raised her eyebrow

“Well, they’re both really fucked up” Carmilla closed her eyes sighed and opens them again

“Okay… Now I’m nervous”

“Can we go downstairs first? Laf is sleeping in the next room and I don’t want to wake them up”

“Yeah, Of course”

 

They were sitting in front of each other at the kitchen table. They were just staring at each other.

“Carm, Can you please say something?”

“I fucked Elle” Carmilla looked down 

Laura looks away and then back at her and the away and back again. She can’t believe what she just heard. She was about to cry, she could feel the tears in her eyes but she tries not to

Carmilla looks at her but Laura stands up, look for her things and walk right towards the door, Carmilla follows her 

“Laura please let me explain!” Carmilla reaches for Laura, she turns around crying 

“Let me go” Laura said angrily 

“Laura I saw you both kissing and I lost it. A lot of shit happened today,  it was a fucked reaction I know, I’m fucked up…”

“You say there was two things” Laura dried her tears

“I’m so sorry”  

“just tell me what’s the other thing, I wanna go home, so tell me quickly” 

“Do you want to sit down?”

“I’m fine right here” Laura clenched her jaw

Carmilla sighs “Carl lied to me”

“What?” Laura frowned 

“Everything he told me was bullshit, jack’s escape, our “enemies”, everything”

“What?” Laura didn’t know where this was going

“Jack sent him to kill me because I ratted them all” Carmilla sits on the couch “I was going for ten maybe fifteen years, so they offered me a deal and I told them everything I knew which was a lot”

Laura sighs “Fuck”

“Yeah”

 

Laura sits next to her “Carmilla, you need to call the police”

“I can’t” Carmilla shakes her head

“Why?” Laura tilted her head

“I need a little bit of time”

“Time for what? You don’t have TIME!” Laura got up from the couch and looked at Carmilla in frustration

“I just… I’m scared” Carmilla looked up at her 

“Of what?” Laura crossed her arms

“Of going back” Carmilla looks down

“Carm…” Laura was about to touch Carmilla’s face but her phone rang.

\---------------------

 

_ Carmilla answers “Hello?” _

_ ………………………...  _

_ “Who is this? I can hear you breathing, you sick fuck” _

_ “That’s how you greet an old friend?” _

_ Carmilla froze, Laura could tell something was wrong  _

**“Carm who is that?” Laura asked and Carmilla gets up**

_ “You piece of shit, it was you the whole time” _

_ “You finally got me, you’re not a complete idiot after all” _

_ “Oh fuck you, I’m calling the police” _

_ “Are you sure you wanna do that?” _

_ “What the fuck are you talking about?” _

_ “Don’t you miss someone?” _

_ Carmilla heart stopped, she ran to the stairs and went to Laf’s bedroom, it was empty. She runs back to the living room _

**“CARMILLA WHAT’S GOING ON!” Laura yelled**

_ “You hurt them I kill you” Carmilla clenched her fist  _

_ “Why don’t you just calm down and come to see us” _

_ “Where are you?” _

_ “We are at the first place you visit” _

_ “Kirsch’s apartment… I’m going to kill you”  she meant it  _

_ “Sure. And hey, if you call the police she’s dead” _

_ “I’m going to fucking kill you and is “they” motherfucker” _

_ Hangs  _

___________________________

 

 

“Carmilla?” Laura said

“He has Laf” 

“I’m calling the police”

“No, if we do that… Laf’s dead” Carmilla runs upstairs, Laura follows her

“Where are you going?” Laura said

Carmilla goes to her bedroom takes the gun and looks at Laura

“I’m sorry” 

“No” Laura shakes her head

“It’s Laf”

“Carmilla you can’t do it, if you do it you’ll go back to prison”

“I don’t care” she walks out 

“Wait!” Laura reaches her “I’m going with you”


	10. Long Way To Go To Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it guys. Hope you enjoy. <3

 

_"Whistle gone, we're moving on_   
_And our only rival are tears_   
_Send my things, take back my ring_   
_Now we've finally realized our fears_

 

_It's just a long, long, long way to go to die_   
_It's a long, long, long way to go to die"_

 

That was the end of the road.

They were outside Kirsch’s building and there was only one thing in Carmilla's mind; to save her family. That was the end line, she was going to kill if she has to. 

She looks at the gun in her hand and backs at Laura.

“I’m sorry” Carmilla said

“Don’t do it” Laura takes her hand “please”

“He has Laf” Carmilla's eyes still on the gun 

“Please” Laura puts her hand on the gun and looks at Carm

“Laura, I need to ask you one more thing” Carmilla grabs her face

Laura shakes her head “No no no, don't do this!”

“Laura listen to me, if I don’t come back in ten minutes. Promise me, you’ll call the police.”

“Carmilla don’t ask me that, please” Laura shakes her head and looks at Carm. She could feel her eyes starting to get watery.

“Laura please, please” Carmilla let go of her and steps back and goes inside the building

A thousand things were coming to her mind while she was going to that apartment. The day she went out and came there to see kirsch, the smile on his face. The first time she saw Laura, their first kiss after all those years. And Laf who was her family. And they were in danger.

She was outside the apartment. Carmilla steps back and breaks down the door   
  


“WOAH!” Carl shouts Carmilla points at  him with the gun. She briefly looks to the side, there was Laf, blindfolded, hands tied.

“Carm?!!” Laf shouts 

“I'm gonna get you out of here, I promise” She looks at Carl. The gun still pointing at his direction. 

“Okay you fucker, there’s no cops, no ones know, it's just you and me. So let them go now.” 

Carl sits in a chair, let out a sarcastic laugh and claps “Well well well, look whose not a complete idiot after all” 

“Stay there or I'll blow your fucking head off” Carmilla rans to Laf and starts to untied them. Laf takes off the blindfolds but suddenly their eyes where full of terror 

“What?” Carmilla says

“I guess you still an idiot” Carl was holding a gun against her head 

                 ………………………………………….

Laura was about to call the police when she sees Laf running towards her 

“Oh my God! Laf!!” Laura grabs their face making sure they were okay “Oh God. Are you okay??”

“Yes yes yes but Carm…” They stepped back

Laura felt dizzy “Where is Carm?” 

“She was helping me…. Laura we didn't know he was behind-” 

“Laf what happened!?” 

“He let me go but… he had a gun to her head so he made her stay” 

Laura heart stopped “We need to call police now”

                      ...........……………..

Laura was looking around, her hands were shaking. She was terrified for Carmilla, she was terrified of losing her.

The police arrived a few moments later, a young police woman walks towards Laura.

“Miss, Are you the person who called?”

“Yes, yes I'm Laura” 

“Okay Laura, so are you sure he has a gun in there?” 

“Yes I'm sure” 

“Okay so I'll call for back up now. Your friend is going to be okay, I promise.”

“Girlfriend” Laura felt a little bit of warm in her chest. 

“You girlfriend is going to be okay” She smiled at her and walks away but Laura can still hear what she says in the radio 

“Smith here. I need backup we got a hostage situation” 

“Hostage situation” Laura murmured to herself “Carm, please be okay please be okay”

                    .............……………..

“We got company” Carl was looking at the window. He had the gun pointing at Carmilla who was tied to a chair. 

“You got caught, so either you kill me or let me go” 

“Shut up!” He was losing it. He knew it was the end. He walks closer to Carmilla and puts the gun on her head

“You don't have the balls to kill me” Carmilla was looking directly to his eyes 

“You are so dead” 

“I wouldn't be so sure” Carmilla manages to untied her hands

“What?” 

Suddenly Carmilla leaps onto Carl and they fall to the floor and start wrestling, he punches her but she kicks him in the face “FUCK” He touches his face and Carmilla pulls herself up quickly and tries to find the gun, she sees the gun close to the door but when she tries to go, jack tackles her and she falls again, he sits on her, she tries to fight back but he starts to choke her. 

Carmilla couldn't feel her legs and then her body, she closed her eyes and saw Laura. There was no more pain, there was no more grief. She was about to let go when she opened her eyes and saw a bullet hit Carl's head. He falls dead, she recovers her breath and quickly gets up.

“Carm!” 

Carmilla turns around to see Laura… with a gun in her hands. Laura runs towards her

“Laura what did you do!?!?” Carmilla grabs her face

“He was…” She breaks down to tears “Carmilla what did I do???” 

Suddenly Carmilla hears the police coming up 

“Laura they're coming”

“Oh my god what did I do what did I just do???” Laura was looking around the room disoriented 

“Laura look at me” Carmilla grabs her face “I love you”

“What?” Laura says. 

Carmilla takes the gun from Laura’s hand. She kisses Laura and walks to the door. Before Laura could even understand, the police was getting there 

“HANDS UP” They shout to Carmilla. She does what she's told and leaves the gun on the floor. Two police man walk to her “you have the right to maintain silence…” They put the handcuffs behind her back 

“NO” Laura shouts and goes to her but another policeman contains her

“Laura don't say anything call Mattie!” 

“Please miss calm down we need to go now” the man said. 

Laf got there running “Carmilla!” 

“Please step aside” The police woman they talked earlier appeared “She probably will spend the night in the police station” 

“Okay” laf noded

“Al right let's go” She said and they walked down with Carmilla

“NOO!!” Laura shouts 

“Hey hey come here” Laf wrapped their arms around Laura 

“No, you don't understand” Laura says with tears in her eyes 

“Laura it's okay, it was Carm or he. She did what she needed to do” 

“No, Laf I shot him!” 

“WHAT?”

“I couldn't be out there knowing she was in danger so I managed to get here and when I opened the door he was about to kill her and I saw the gun on the floor so … I shot him!” 

“Oh God” Laf couldn't believe what Laura was saying. Why would Carmilla do such a thing, she loves Laura but she could go to prison, again… or maybe not.

“Laura…” Laf was still thinking about what they where about to say 

“WHAT?”

“Maybe she knows what she's doing”

“What?”  Laura wasn't getting it

“Maybe she can't go to prison because it was self defense”

“Laf...she can't go back there” Laura was repetting everything in her head “I'll go to the police station I'll tell them everything she can't… she can't” 

“Hey hey hey, she can say it was self defense, but if you go and say that you were the one who shot. You are the one who'll going to end up in prison. But did she say anything else?” 

“Mattie… she said “call mattie”..”

“What?? Mattie the same Mattie I know?” 

“I don't know you know her?” Laura said

“I think” 

                        .............………….

It was already morning and they were at Laf's house waiting for Mattie. Perry was there too.

“So, you know her because Carm was her old dealer?” Laura asked 

“Well, yeah. But she's an attorney now so…”

“So, she can help us” 

“Yes” Laf said

“More coffee, anyone?” Perry said as she walks to the kitchen 

“Yes, black for me” Laf said

“Me too” Laura said 

*The doorbell rings*  Everyone stopped what they were doing, Laf goes quickly to the door. Opens it.

“Mattie, please come in” Laf steps a side and Mattie comes inside 

“Mattie” She shakes hands wih Laura

“I'm Laura nice to meet you. Please sit” 

“Thanks” The were sitting on the couch. Suddenly Perry appears with coffee 

“Hi, I'm Perry. Would you like some coffee?”  She smiles

“Oh thank you” Mattie grabs a cup

“Okay so, I saw her” Mattie leaves the cup on the table

“Carmilla!” Laura jumps from her sit

“Yes.. she's fine” 

“And, What do we do now?” Laf asked

“You guys wait. This is not going to be that hard because it was self defense. Now, she told me what really happened” Everyone froze “I can fix it but Laura, they'll probably talk to you because, you were there when it happened and you need to say exactly what I said because otherwise, you and Carmilla could end up in prison. Alright?”

“Okay. Yes of course” 

“Okay so if I take you there and you talk with the detectives now, there would be no need for a trial” Mattie explained everything to Laura. After that the four were in their way to the police station. 

 

“Can I see her?” Laura asked. They were parked outside the station.

“Yes, you can but it needs to be brief. She's in custody but I can talk to them” 

“Thanks” Laura needed to see her. 

                  .........................…………

Carmilla was in a cell, it was small. She was sitting in the bed. She was feeling terrified, it was nothing like before because now she has so much more to lose. Suddenly she jumps as she hears someone coming to her cell. 

It was dark but she could see a silhouette and… No, it couldn't be. She gets up and getting closer to the bars.

“Laura?”

Laura walks closer to her and tries to hold Carmilla's hands 

“Hey… Are you okay?.. Whay a stupid question of course you're not, you're in a cell, oh God I'm sorry-”

“Laura it's fine I'm okay. Don't worry, did you talk to Mattie?”

“Yes yes yes we are going to talk with the detectives in a moment but I just needed to see your face and make sure you were okay” 

Carmilla grabs Laura face “Laura listen… no matter what happens… I love you, okay?” 

“I love you too and we will walked out of here together, okay?” 

They share a long gaze until they hear knocks 

“Time's up” A voice said from outside

“We will get out of this I love you” Laura said

“I love you” Carmilla stepped back and Laura started to walk away “Hey” She says

Laura turned around “what?” 

“At least you came to see me this time” She smiled

“You’re making jokes really???”

“I love you” Carmilla said for the last time

“Me too”  Laura turned around again and walked away

                       ............………………. 

It's been hours since Laura left. Carmilla's fear was coming back but it was different, something change when she saw Laura. It was like, she've finally realized some things. She hears someone getting closer, again. This time it was a police man, he gets close and starts opening the cage.

“You're are free to go” 

Carmilla just nodded and she just started walking away, she didn't say a word, she just walked out of there. Laura was outside sitting on a bench she walks to her. 

“Hey…” Carmilla says. Laura turns around and jumps from her sit 

“Carm!” 

Carmilla wraps her arms around her and they stayed like that for a moment. 

“Laura, we need to talk” 

Laura steps back “Of course come” They sit next to each other “What?? Are you hungry? Do you want anything? Sorry I'm talking too much again”

“I'm fine It just, I don't know if I'm going to be able to say this” Carmilla was looking at Laura with such a different look

“Carm what's going on?” Laura knew something was going on, she could feel it.

Carmilla took her hand and looked at their hands and then looks back at Laura.

“Laura, I love you and I'm pretty sure I always will. Now I know you are the love of my life… But-” She could feel the tears coming down her face “Laura, I need to go”

“Carmilla what are you talking about?” Laura was so confused.

“I'm so tired of feeling like this, Laura. Everything it's just too much.” She looks down and takes a deep breath, trying not to cry “I'm not okay. I still carrying things from my past. Sometimes I feel this anger and sometimes I can't control it and I do stupid things like the thing that happened with Elle. You don't deserve this” 

Laura was looking at her without knowing what to say or do. She was tired too but she loved Carmilla, the whole situation was just too much.

“Carm, look” She grabs Carmilla's face “I love you and I want this to work. I can help you. Don't we deserve a chance?” 

“Laura, you can't carry the whole weight of this relationship by yourself, I can't do this to you. The only person who can do something, it's me… If I'm not okay, How can I be good to you? And I love you, I've never loved anyone like I love you… Oh God, this hurts so much... I'm sorry but I need to do this. I need to find myself somewhere else again. Otherwise I don't know if I'll be able to make it. I can barely live with these thoughts, you don't deserve this. I love you too much to do that to you”

“But I thought you were doing fine, you… went out and you have a job and there's Laf and me. What about all of  that?”

“Laura, you know I love Will but I don't want to be a bartender for the rest of my life. I don't even know what I'm good for. I roted for five years and sometimes I feel like I'm still there” She gets closer to Laura and holds her hand “And I don't want you to rot with me… that would happen if I stay”

“Why can't I go with you?” 

“I need to do this by myself. I think it's the only way.”

“It hurt to say this but I think it's the right thing to do”  

Carmilla got closer and wrapped her arms around her, Laura fell into her arms and they stayed like that. They stayed silent, they didn't want to disturbed that moment. That moment was the only thing they had left. 

“I'll always remember you” Laura said and kissed Carmilla's face, she stood up and turned around. Tears were falling down her face, she walks away. Carmilla breaks into tears, she stayed there for a while. Wondering if it was the right thing to do. 

She left after a while. She walked to Laf's house. She explained everything to them, Laf understood. Carmilla took her things and Laf drove her to the train station. 

“Are you sure?” Laf asked.

“Yes I am, thanks for everything Laf.” 

“Don't thank me we… we are family.” They hugged.

Carmilla walked inside the station and turned to the right. 

  
  


After a few hours Laura realized she needed a rest too so she decided to go away for a while. She went to the station and walked inside but she turned to the left.

 

 

_...."Five years by, a stitch in time_   
_Patching up a life by the seams_   
_It won't break me, it won't break me_   
_I just fake it all and believe_

 

_It's just a long, long, long way to go to die_   
_It's a long, long, long way to go to die_   
_And I keep rolling on_   
_Missing you from dusk to dawn"_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank for reading guys! I know maybe this was not the end you had in mind but I think it was the right one. <3


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